Parents across the country have welcomed the re-introduction of selective secondary education announced by Theresa May, providing their own kids make the grade and avoid the pit of doom that otherwise awaits.
“I’m all in favour of social mobility, as my kids will be on the up escalator.” said Dan Brooks, Harold office manager and borderline simpleton. “Is there a down escalator? I’m pretty sure there isn’t but that wouldn’t affect my kids anyway.”
Brooks also believes in an hereditary monarchy “as long as Wills and Kate become the next King and Queen. “That Charles doesn’t deserve it, he let his old man murder Lady Di and thinks Camilla is a tampon or something.”