In a move that has been criticised as taking commercialism too far, organisers of the Olympics have unveiled the official Rio 2016 gang of muggers, who will ruthlessly prey on sports fans visiting the city, but will only take items produced by the Games’ leading sponsors.
The small army of Games Takers, recognisable by their official uniforms, will enhance the Rio 2016 brand by moving discretely through the back streets surrounding the main stadiums, viciously snatching any products which visitors may be carrying, should they be from Visa, Samsung, Omega, or slightly less plausibly, Bridgestone Tyres.
“I was walking along, slightly lost, unwittingly flaunting the whole gamut of products from Proctor & Gamble,” explained one victim. “Pringles, Bounty, Vicks, you name it. They took everything. It feels so authentic! Unfortunately I now have two broken legs, and Samsung don’t do plaster casts.”
Patrons wishing to enjoy the full Rio 2016 mugging experience have been warned to avoid gangs of unofficial pickpockets, who may steal non-approved items such as Rolexes. Such ‘stealth robbery’ is unlikely to be inferior in style and execution, and the goods taken of lesser quality. Organisers have recommended that anyone who does find themselves robbed of, say, an iPhone should immediately report to the official Samsung outlet, where they will be able to purchase a replacement product from Olympic sponsors, which will be immediately stolen from them instead.
With sponsors including McDonalds and Coca-Cola, there is a potential mugging in every victim’s price range.
“I was obviously sad to be robbed of one of my most valuable possessions,” admitted Evening Harold sports correspondent Piers Waghorn, “But at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I am a victim of an officially approved violent criminal. And to be honest, the bun was a little stale anyway.”