If Britain votes to leave the EU George Osborne will have no option but to eat your children in order to survive, the Chancellor has claimed in a statement today.
This drastic move would occur in tandem with massive tax rises and savage cuts to public services.
“Brexit would hit the economy so hard that I would have no option but to immediately increase the basic rate of income tax to one hundred percent, put VAT up to a million percent and cut public services to the point that your bins are only collected once every fifteen years.” explained Osborne,
“This would rapidly lead to a complete breakdown of society where even wealthy individuals, like me, would be forced to take drastic action to ensure our own survival.”
Despite his non-threatening physical appearance the MP for Tatton insists that upper class pursuits during his privileged upbringing have made him a proficient hunter, more than capable of stealing away your children while you huddle around a bonfire of the last of your belongings, desperately trying to keep warm.
“I know this sounds extreme but it is the only way we could prolong the existence of even part of our society outside of the EU for a few measly months.”
Mr Osborne concluded his statement by criticising the Leave campaign for scaremongering.