On the 400th anniversary of William Shakespeare’s death, the country is grimly preparing for the inevitable bout of having to pretend they have understood, liked or read any of his plays.
Shakespeare is widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language, and most people are perfectly happy to accept this fact without having to prove it for themselves.
Every hundred years, unfortunately, the anniversary of the bard’s death comes around, forcing the population to endure an endless barrage of dramatic culture, just when Game of Thrones is starting back up again.
Among the wall-to-wall culture, a live extravaganza is planned from the Royal Shakespeare Theatre, featuring the likes of David Tennant, Judi Dench and Bill Oddie.
Normal people have already barricaded themselves into their houses with beer and pizza, and have started watching old Breaking Bad episodes on repeat until it’s all over.
Evening Harold culture correspondent Piers Waghorn explained: “Shakespeare is the very marrow in the bone of our language, Shakespeare is the Canon. He sets the standard and the limits of literature.”
“That’s why I’ll be watching the footie instead.”