In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.
“I feel conned,” said one city banker. “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”
Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.
“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.
This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty. And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.
“What? No shares or trust funds?” said George Osborne. “What a chancer. He only got £300K from his father? That’s not even enough for a long weekend’s coke with a brace of hookers.”
“I wondered why he was always on the scrounge in the Bullingdon Club,” said Boris Johnson. “I feel used.”
Wealthy Chipping Norton neighbour Jeremy Clarkson said he has noticed the PM looking a bit down in the dumps lately. “I’ve taken all the tow ropes out of the garage as a precaution. I’d offer him a go on my wife if I thought it would help.”
Cameron’s father Ian had wanted David to be a stockbroker like him and his father before, but David went into politics. He seems to have been mysteriously cut out of his father’s Will when he inadvertently used the phrase ‘crackdown on tax avoidance’ in his father’s presence, leaving his older brother Alexander with the keys to the family estate in Berkshire.
Under repeated questioning about how much Cameron loved his father, the interview had to be cut short. “It was just too emotionally draining for me,” said Peston.
The PM left in a hurry and headed straight for Berkshire to have ‘a few words’ with his brother. “£2.3 million?” he screamed. “He told me it was only worth £300K.”
Labour’s Tom Watson said “We should all recognise that Cameron is a man on the edge and I urge the public to eat humble pie and send him a letter of apology for being so horrid towards him.”