The government revealed today that the next phase in its education policy is for all state-owned schools to converted as quickly as possible into nice apartments for rich people.
“This country has a fine school tradition,” explained chancellor George Osborne, “With some magnificent old buildings, many with high ceilings and lots of original features. With fewer children and better furniture we could be looking at some really good news for our friends’ building companies.”
“Renovation, renovation, renovation, that’s our motto.”
Keen to avoid any appearance of corruption, the government is rightly inisting that Britain’s schools are initially turned into “Academies”, a word borrowed from the French meaning “Something given to a private firm to do what they hell they want with, without parents or local authorities getting in the way”.
Only after these academies have been in existence for several minutes will their new owners be permitted to convert them into their final form – two- and three-bedroom maisonettes for the professional middle class.
“Of course, not all schools will be turned into affordable living space in the £500k-£700 range,” explained Osborne. “Some of the more northern, less attractive schools will simply be converted into oil wells.”
“It’s really hard to see a down side,” gushed Osborne. “At last, a policy which the whole country can get behind. Who likes school anyway? I didn’t – it was full of posh boys with their privates in pigs’ mouths.”
When asked how poor people might manage to educate their children, Osborn looked puzzled for a second before replying:
“Are there no workhouses?”