Ladbrokes, one of the the high street’s leading money-hoovering bastards, have posted their worst ever losses, to the delight of the nation’s gambling addicts.
Outgoing CEO, Richard Glynn, explained his simple recovery plan, which will leave his successor in a sound position; guaranteed mate, can’t fail. “Step one, we’ve a £10m accumulator with Betfred, for the first five races at Kempton Park on Saturday. That’s a dead cert so we’ll be well ahead by tea-time”.
“If that doesn’t work and we’ve no reason to think it won’t, step two means staking all February’s takings on Jeb Bush winning on Super Tuesday. Paddy Power are offering great odds, we’ve a tip from a good source and we’d be daft not to.”
Glynn says there is a step three but it certainly won’t be needed. “If the accumulator and Bush both go down, and that absolutely definitely won’t happen, you can trust me, I’m going all-in; the business, its entire pension scheme, my company BMW and the children’s pre-paid places at the Oratory. It’s all going on Aston Villa winning the title. Ladbrokes have given me a brilliant price.”
“And we’ll still be holding up our punters by their ankles, to shake out any loose change before they leave the shop.”