Besieged gyms are calling for the government to increase funding to protect them from time wasters who will only darken their doors once.
While technically this solitary effort does meet a lazy person’s goal of exercising more by temporarily raising their activity levels above that of a cushion, gyms are flooded to dangerous levels by their misplaced enthusiasm and over-elaborate gym kit that still has the labels on it ‘just in case’.
“I would urge new year’s resolutioners to stay away from gyms,” said Marcia Columbine, owner of Harold gym Arse Poetica. “Or if they must come then to set themselves realistic targets. For example on day one why not simply drive here, check out the bar snacks and then go home for lunch?”
As emergency services distribute sandwiches to help divert the floods of waddlers the government remains silent. Although many believe the crisis will sort itself by Monday when ‘take regular exercise’ is ditched in favour of the much more achievable resolution of constantly posting about it on Facebook.