“It’s just awful those MPs feel bullied and upset as the result of my thoughtlessness in going to the playground with my brother and sister just before the missile hit” said Ahmed, aged 11, as he wiped a tear and some bomb dust from his eye.
“I know it is no excuse, but we just wanted to play on the swings, and so didn’t even think about the possibility the precision bomb would hit the neighbouring hospital and cover us in rubble and provide a photo that would be tweeted to wavering Labour MPs.”
“Our selfish visit to the playground has meant those 66 Labour MPs were threatened with de-selection and thus the prospect of having to find a real job” wailed Ahmed.
“Sticks and stones broke my bones but it’s nothing compared to the names those MPs were called on social media, which I understand is impossible to turn off.”
Ahmed’s brother Hamza, aged 9, was equally distraught saying the suffering he’d caused the 66 MPs meant he’d never be able to look himself in the mirror again, although that was mostly because he was blinded in the missile attack.