Harold resident Pippa Delaney had been gifted the break by her partner Simon, to celebrate a ‘landmark’ birthday she’d recently lied about.
“Pippa is always going on about having a Spar break”, said Simon, “although she normally shops at Waitrose. I just assumed that she was being trendy, like that time she bought some Welsh wine in Lidl.”
Simon bribed Julia Shamble who runs the local shop, to switch the alarm off and throw a sickie last Saturday morning.
“Then it was just a case of blind-folding Pippa”, said Simon, “driving her to the store, and dumping her through the delivery shute at the back.”
Pippa received not a single rub-down with a warm tortoise during her stay, and not one pile of stones was stacked on her forehead.
“There wasn’t even a complementary robe, let alone a pair of hygienically wrapped slippers”, complained Pippa. “Although I did find some safety boots in the store room.”
Fortunately, Pippa managed to survive her stay. “I didn’t eat the food though: I just assumed it would all be out of date.”
“No, after a failed attempt to sauna, by throwing lemonade on the chicken rotisserie, I gave up, and put myself in suspended animation in the ice cream and desserts chiller.”
It’s not the first time Pippa has been disappointed by Simon’s gifts. She spent their 8th wedding anniversary in nappies, after hinting that she wanted to be pampered.