The oil giant Shell has announced that its controversial drilling operations off Alaska will stop ‘until everyone has forgotten what evil bastards we are’.
Initial tests had uncovered greater than expected levels of public hatred, the company explained, and therefore the search for oil and gas in the region would be halted ‘forever, or until you all stop watching us, whichever comes first’.
A spokesman for Greenpeace expressed delight at the decision, adding that they would now shift their focus to other endangered areas of the planet, a move which Shell welcomed.
Standing on the deck of what appeared to be some kind of large rig covered in camouflage netting, Shell’s chief executive explained that the company had already left the Arctic area, and that there was nothing to see here.
“We are really far more interested in green energy these days – wind, tides, grass, that sort of thing,” he explained, his gesturing hands dripping with an unspecified viscous black liquid.
His statement was accompanied by a vaguely familiar low drilling noise, which quickly stopped in a chorus of shushing noises.