The family of Bear Grylls was celebrating yesterday, after the star managed to survive for over 8 hours without sticking a hose up his bottom.
Despite being outside for the best part of a day, the adventurer survived a picnic, a game of French Cricket and a close call with a wasp, without once resorting to his trusty anal pipe.
“I’m so proud of him”, said wife Ocelot Grylls. “We had a lovely time in the Cotswolds and we all ate well, without the normal strong feelings of revulsion and shame.”
Bear Grylls did whip out his hosepipe on several occasions, but at no point did he stuff it up his buttocks.
“There were a couple of close calls”, admitted Ocelot. “Our children Stoat, Honey-Badger and Spaniel complained they were quite thirsty at one point, but fortunately just as Bear was dropping his trousers, an ice cream van turned up.”
The family also dealt with an ants’ nest by simply moving their blanket, rather than resorting to colonic irrigation.
Bear Grylls was ecstatic, citing it as his most extreme survival adventure yet.
“Now I just want to get home and have a lovely warm shower”, said the Chief Scout. “Just as soon as I’ve fitted this sprinkler attachment to my cock.”