Technology will soon be available to make traditional births a thing of the past with babies set to be beamed down to their nursery cots instead of expectant mothers having to endure a long and sometimes painful labour.
It is a far cry from Call the Midwife, but local midwife Betty Nunn is convinced that beamed births are the way forward, saving millions of pounds for the National Health Service.
“Instead of giving birth at a hospital, mothers will be able to have their babies magically delivered at home,” the Star Trek fan told the Evening Harold. “Midwives, or Energizers as we will become known, will be issued with mobile transponders to lock in the co-ordinates and baby will arrive safe and sound a few moments later after a few cheap visual effects. Forceps, towels and hot water will be a thing of the past.”
“I know that some people will say that this is fantasy, but they said that about Captain Kirk’s communication device; now that tinny thing looks positively 19th century compared with the iPhone 6,” she continued predictably. “And as we all know, once you’ve thought of an application for the technology depicted in the TV series, like I have, it’s as good as done.”
The revelation has prompted a political spat. Labour’s spokesman for labour blamed Tory cuts for the failure to deliver free beaming for all expectant parents, whilst Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, commented patronisingly that Ms Nunn’s ideas were very stimulating and he fully expected the Government “to boldly review the idea sometime in the next millennium”.