Microsoft has announced that its new Windows 10 operating system will come with a free hand job for every user, in an attempt to increase popular uptake.
Windows 8, which suffered from a confusing touch-screen interface and no hand job, has only reached a 10% market share, leaving Microsoft shareholders disappointed and consumers squirming in agonies of sexual frustration.
Analysts are predicting that the new version of Windows could take off in a big way, reversing a decline going back to the catastrophic decision to package every copy of Windows Vista with a free kick in the goolies.
“Microsoft has listened to what its customers want,” explained industry expert and keen self-abuser Florian Munter. “What they want is a familiar interface, with solid performance. And a hand job.”
The Seattle giant’s rivals were less enthusiastic, however. “Once again, Microsoft has dropped the ball,” complained Apple Senior Vice President Angela Ahrendts. “Our latest Yosemite operating system has a fully-integrated topless massage with the sort of happy ending you’d expect from a company like Apple.”
“And unlike Microsoft’s very nerd-focussed approach, our system includes a luxurious bean-flicking session for the ladies.”
Evening Harold technology correspondent Stephen Noone was dismissive of the new Windows feature, saying: “So it comes with a hand job? That’s nothing, so do I.”