Joanna Lumley’s new ‘garden bridge’ is just the first step in making London less awful, she has revealed.
Now her influence over politicians has reached its full potential, Lumley has vowed to complete her vision of a Utopia based on children’s books and the dreams she has after eating cheese.
Using a mixture of feminine guile, important connections and a powerful mind-control gas, Lumley disclosed that the entire UK cabinet was effectively under her control.
“Of course, with great power comes great responsibility, as well as making me pretty hot”, announced Lumley. “And in a way it would be irresponsible to NOT build a big, jelly airport, or provide unicorn lanes throughout the capital.”
With free spaniel jugglers for the homeless thought to be just weeks away, the ex-Avenger declared that Britain was at the dawn of a new era of ‘absolute fabulousness’.
“The trouble with politicians is that they’re always getting bogged down with what people shouldn’t do. But with just a bit of imagination, we could fill the Thames with Smarties, or make members from all parties dance a naked conga for our amusement.”
“It won’t be long now, darlings. Soon, they’ll all be my Patsys.”