The news that the economy is back to pre-financial crash levels has been revealed not as a triumph of economic policy but simply because of the loom band epidemic.
“It’s true,” George Osborne admitted. “With every tween and bored stay-at-home mum in the country currently using around five million loom bands a month GDP has soared. But at the moment the Treasury is unsure about whether or not this is a viable thing on which to stake the British economy in the long-term. Personally I think we’d be better off basing the whole sheebang on artisan cheese and Clangers merchandise but some of the swots who do the sums don’t seem all that keen.”
Loom bands, brightly coloured elastic bands that can be woven into bracelets and many another things either using fingers or the Rainbow Loom, were first noticed by the Cabinet for their stimulating effect on the economy when bidding for a dress made of loom bands reached £170,000 on eBay.
“We all started commissioning loom band personal garments,” said Osborne. “And suddenly the UK was back in the black, with the day old Podgy Pickles got his loom band thong giving the numbers an especially big push.”
“IDS hasn’t really pitched in with it though,” the Chancellor revealed. “I mean, what use is a loom band cilice anyway?”
“Will our economic prosperity continue? I don’t know. But what I do know is that after May I can stop having to pretend to care.”