Residents of the village of Harold were today coming to terms with the untimely and tragic death of “Albert”, a much-loved local personality and ant.
Albert had long been one of Harold’s most popular insects, and his cheerful six-legged figure was a common sight scurrying in at open windows, devouring sweet things in local larders and listening to his favourite band, which was of course eighties glam new romantics Spandau Ballet.
Last night, in what seems to have been a tragic accident, Albert was in the process of carrying a grain of sugar from the canteen of Harold’s village police station when he was instantly killed by a stray splash of boiling water during the preparation of PC Anita Flegg’s evening cup of tea.
An immediate inquiry has been launched, with questions already being raised about insect crowd control procedures and the indiscriminate use of kettling.
Locals were distraught at the news. “He was like a brother to me,” sobbed pensioner Eileen Remnant, somewhat unconvincingly. “I’m not a social insect of the family Formicidae, I don’t have a distinctive node-like structure or indeed a slender waist, but we were still similar in so many ways.”
A Facebook page set up in Albert’s memory had this morning already received five thousand ‘likes’, while a Dunstable man has been arrested for posting abusive messages about ants on Twitter.
Rev. Tansy Forster of St Paul’s church spoke movingly at a brief ceremony today, attended by many thousands of locals and Bono from U2:
“According to the Schmidt Sting Pain Index developed at the Bee Research Center in Arizona, ants are considered to have the most painful sting of any insect. But even this is nothing compared to the pain we feel at the passing of this giant among ants.”
“Albert will forever occupy a very small place in our heart, long after we consign him to the earth today – buried in this holy place, six feet under.”
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