An ancient virus has come back to life after lying dormant for at least 30,000 years and immediately started grumbling about the weather, rude young people, and how everything was better ‘in its day’.
Found frozen in a deep layer of Siberian permafrost the virus was thawed out by French scientists and became infectious once again, before spending fully three hours complaining about everything from the incessant rain to not being able to understand smart phones.
“This is the first time that we have seen a virus still contagious after this length of time.” said Professor Jean-Micehl-Claverie, from the National Centre of Scientific Research, “What is even more remarkable is the level of bitterness against the world that it seems to have retained throughout the time it has spent frozen beneath thirty metres of ice.”
“From our research we have so far discovered that it doesn’t seem to like microwave rice, car alarms, call centres, bananas sold in bags, children who play outside too much, gypsies, the useless nurse at the GP’s, damp sliced ham, cats, local councils, close friends, family, neighbouring viruses, muesli, prescription costs, sat navs, Piers Morgan, wheelie bins, carrot flies, children who play inside too much, MRSA, junk mail, the size of apples, cricket, dim bulbs, Radio 4 and that extravagant holiday I had last year. It is also still not at all happy about a very, very small rise in the cost of Sanatogen that happened in 1983.”
After being shown an episode of Made in Chelsea the virus has pleaded with scientists to be returned to the ice where they found it.