After a busy few days where Uganda’s President signed new laws making homosexuality punishable by life in prison, and Ugandan tabloid Red Pepper published a list of 200 alleged gays, the IOC announced that Uganda is now the front-runner to host the 2022 Winter Olympics.
IOC President Thomas Bach said that the Sochi Winter Olympics was a very passable festival of homophobia without quite living up to Vladimir Putin’s hype. The 2018 games in Pyeongchang would likely also be successful given South Korea’s track record of discrimination against gays. But the 2022 Ugandan Winter Olympics promises to be an unprecedented orgy of homosexual intolerance.
“These guys are the real deal – life imprisonment for practising gays plus lengthy jail sentences for those that assist gays” said Bach. “If we are lucky we could even see some mild stonings.”
“We haven’t seen this sort of spectacle since the Romans fed the Christians to the lions, but this time everything will be in 3D. If this doesn’t put bums on seats, I don’t know what will.”
When it was pointed out that Uganda was in the middle of Africa, was hot, had no snow, was basically flat, and had sports stadiums that were ramshackle at best, President Bach remained unfazed.
“I’m not sure you were listening – Uganda is arguably already one of the leading anti-gay nations and by 2022 they will be the envy of right thinking homophobes everywhere. You get the anti-gay basics right and the little things like inclines and that white powdery stuff fall into place by themselves.”
“Hell would freeze over before we compromised on our anti-gay ideals. And Uganda is a living hell so I’m sure we will be just fine come 2022” said Bach.