The SAS have been deployed on a street in Paddington to ensure that the months leading up to the birth of Simon Cowell’s baby gets the coverage it deserves. Normally active only in the world’s trouble spots several dozen of the elite troops are now providing 24/7 footage of the door outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital which became the subject of global attention when Prince George, Duke of Cambridge was born on the other side of it last month.
“Nay-sayers are complaining that it’s too early,’” said an SAS Major who cannot be identified for security reasons. “But with an operation like this there’s no such thing as too soon. We’ve got boots on the ground now and that ensures we won’t miss a thing from first scan to first cry.”
“Taking coverage of this momentous period in all our lives out of the hands of the BBC and giving the SAS full control was a tough decision but a decision that I am proud to have made,” said David Cameron. “The SAS are without a doubt the best trained and most-disciplined soldiers in the world and are immensely capable at operating in terribly harsh conditions for long periods of time. Last month while the Duchess of Cambridge was in labour anyone watching television will have been witness to the rapid mental and physical decline of presenters like Jane Hill and Simon McCoy which proved that civilians are not up to a task of this magnitude.”
“As a nation we’ve only got one chance to get this right and led by the SAS I’m sure that we will.”
A squaddie on guard duty at what was yesterday a pavement on a London street but is now the heavily fortified Camp Mercury said that he wasn’t happy with his new posting.
“I know it’s like all important and that because we’ve had lots of kings and princes and stuff but this is the only Cowell first born there’ll ever be. The downside is it’s a long tour with few rewards for me and the lads. Like everyone I joined The Regiment for the book deal. Can’t see myself getting a tense thriller out of months watching a posh door.”
Simon Cowell was unavailable for comment. It is thought he is in Washington following up on Barack Obama’s request to audtion to be a godparent.