Harold teenager and would-be entrepreneur seventeen year old Simon Delaney is today facing a lengthy legal battle with the Chinese government over his new invention: a toasted sandwich maker that doubles as a sex toy.
“I read a thing about a bloke who had to call the fire brigade when he got his Rasputin stuck in his toaster and I thought, why would you shag a toaster? Then I after a while I thought, why wouldn’t you? So I designed the perfect machine,” said Delaney. “Only I made it a toasted sandwich maker so you can have a bacon and cheese toastie afterwards or maybe even during. Everything’s better with bacon.”
“It’s a great machine. I’ve called it the Pop Tart.”
After using his 3-D printer to create a prototype and setting up a website for orders Delaney was all set to make his entrance into a highly lucrative market when disaster struck.
“My parents found out,” he explained. “It wasn’t so much the sex thing but the bacon.”
Simon’s parents Pippa and Dominic Delaney own Harold cafe Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! and are themselves strict vegans who raised their son to be the same.
“They went mental and then a bit more mental when Dad found out I’d used his credit card and that there was now a warehouse full of Pop Tarts waiting to be shipped from Suzhou. Dunno why he got so cross I mean I saved him a fortune getting them made in China. Over here I’d still be looking for staff and there’d be laws about minimum wage and working conditions and stuff. Out there they don’t bother with any of that crap – I learned that from Apple.”
“Dad tried to go back on the deal and the authorities in Jiangsu Province got really uptight now the Chinese government have totally got the arse which basically proves the Pop Tart is a great idea. I think if all blokes had one there’d be less tension in the world.”
“I think we’ll be all right. The UK doesn’t have an extradition treaty with China anyway,” said a surprisingly calm Delaney. “It’s the U.S you’ve got to try not to piss off. I might even change my next project to avoid that. I don’t think ‘Holiest of Holies: the Bible you can really love’ will go down well in the fly-over states.”