As notorious child killer Ian Brady finally reveals how he keeps his wraith-like figure despite being on hunger strike for 14 years, self-absorbed socialites are adopting his diet.
Buoyed by the news that ‘food doesn’t count if you eat it in secret’, many are finding that the Brady Hunger Strike Diet is surprisingly easy to stick to.
Villagers from Harold’s new unaffordable homes development have adopted a range of decorative nasal feeding tubes, while pretending that they ‘basically never eat’. Any weight gain can be blamed on food being hosed up their nose by the government, rather than on the mountain of toast and soup that they stuff down in the dark.
“While it would be wrong to somehow look up to a psychotic serial murderer, you have to admit he looks quite good for his age”, claimed Sally Houghton, as she fiddled with a solution of high-protein fluids in a medical syringe.
“I always thought that not eating anything at all was the key to maintaining a healthy weight, but it seems calories only count if someone actually sees you stuffing your face”, said the size 18 sylph. “I’m getting through two loaves in my wardrobe before breakfast and drinking minestrone ‘til I’m sick. So far, I’ve gained barely 8 pounds.”
Critics have warned against the ‘sort of nil by mouth’ diet, claiming that healthy moderation is better than basically lying. “Powdered soup has been flying off the shelves at the local Tesco for several weeks now, but it’s crossed out on all the receipts that I found in the bins”, said dietician Jeremy Hayes. “It’s a weird act of denial that doesn’t stand scrutiny. According to my tests, the calories in toast are barely altered when no-one is looking.”
Not one resident from the estate admits to eating in public, despite a constant string of Range Rovers with black windows pouring from Dunstable’s Drive-thru McDonald’s.
“I can confirm that my wife definitely doesn’t eat there”, said Sally’s husband Nathaniel. “Although she does have a large collection of small, plastic toys. I find it’s best to knock first and not notice the discarded gherkins. It’s ironic really, last month she was claiming that shit had been killing our kids.”