The standard cliché when reporting on news from the USA may have to be retired following claims from explorers that a third America has been discovered.
“We’re very excited,” said Louisa McClaren, reader in geography at Dunstable University and leader of an expedition which saw a small team of researchers visit all fifty states in the USA. “For a long time pundits have endlessly claimed that America is really two countries with the coastal cities being one and the one where all the culture, science and coherent politics happens and that that country is wrapped around a sprawling mass of flyover states whose inhabitants have dispensed with rational thought and fully embraced Christian fundamentalism, firearms and morbid obesity.”
“Our research has led us to conclude that this is no longer the case and that there is in fact a third America.”
“It’s is not a simply a case of fat and stupid versus thin and educated, Glenn Beck versus Rachel Maddow, we have discovered a third America containing people who don’t really give a monkey’s about race, faith or politics and generally just try to live as well as they can.”
“Americans are mostly suburbanised, mostly all right and mostly a bit dull. The vast majority of them are neither coked-up on Wall Street using the stock market like a casino or fire-bombing abortion clinics with a bible in one hand and a crazed glint in their eyes.”
“The third America isn’t mad or sexy it’s just there and mostly it’s quite nice like a cup of tea on a cold afternoon.”
Whether there’s room in the collective consciousness for a third America, a land of the pleasant and home of the slightly boring remains to be seen however Dr McClaren believes that there could be.
“There are many parts of the world where the USA is regarded as aggressive and terrifying or ridiculous and tiresome the time has come for us all to see it as boring and ignore it. That way we can look to the future and focus our energies on freaking out about China instead.”