Players and management of local football club Harold Thursday have reacted with anger and astonishment at the Trojan Prophylactic League’s decision to ban star striker Luis Nutter for ten games following the recent cannibalism incident in which the entire first team from visiting club Eccles were roasted over a spit and eaten during a goalmouth scramble.
Goalkeeper Willie Sprinkler spoke to journalists of his belief that Nutter, 26, had been singled out largely due to his birthplace: “Yes, he comes from Liverpool,” he conceded, “But even so, I consider myself a friend of Luis. League bosses in Felching are treating him different because he is a ‘Scouse’, and because he had the one previous incident where he went mental apeshit crazy and hungrily devoured a coach load of orphans.”
“He knows perfectly well that what he did was wrong, but a 10-game ban seems out of proportion. I think they’ve got it in for Luis a little bit, possibly because they too are orphans. It was fifty-fifty in the Eccles penalty area, ball to hand, could have gone either way, and on the spur of the moment our lad has reacted – split second decision – and eaten eleven men’s livers with a nice Chianti. It happens out in the park every day.”
“Luis is a lovely person off the pitch, provided you don’t let him eat you, but because of the way he plays – very aggressive, very competitive – and his tendency to feast on human flesh, he sometimes gets into trouble.”
Harold manager Roger Brendan explained his frustration at the League’s inconsistency: “There is a lot of hypocrisy. Felching FC defender Terry John only got a four match ban for invading Poland, so clearly there’s some favouritism going on. But we’re looking forward to discussing the incident with the referee. We’re having him for dinner this evening.”