Duchess of Cambridge vows ‘never to return’ to village after receiving an unexpected gift


The Duchess of Cambridge has vowed ‘never to return to Harold’ after her visit to re-open the old people’s home on Wednesday.

Her remarks follow an embarrassing incident which saw a resident follow the new tradition of showering the pregnant princess with gifts, giving her flowers, a teddy bear and a ‘do it yourself DNA test’

The Princess was doing a ‘meet and greet’ with the crowd after cutting the ribbon in front of The Over-The-Hill Nursing home.

The £5.3million redevelopment has seen new television sets with remote controls, a doubling in the amount of plug in air fresheners and a three seater commode in the community room.

The Homes only resident, Elsie Duggan aged 86 (you know), was elated with the refurb and wanted to show her gratitude to the Princess for re-opening it. ‘I wanted to give her all the things a modern young expectant mother needs. If that baby comes out ginger she’ll thank me.’

Elsie has not been able to leave the home after royalists criticised her and questioned her ‘Britishness’. One Union Jack clad protester told us ‘This old bat obviously knows nothing about the royal family. If she did she would realise that a DNA test is of no use to them. Although those tests are 99% accurate, the Royal Family’s gene pool is so limited it means the DNA profile of two of them differs by less than 0.3%