Archbishop warns against ‘hero worship’: villagers dismantle statue of Jesus


Recent results have been disappointing

The Archbishop of Canterbury has warned Christians against ‘expecting too much’ from one person, by putting their heroes on pedestals or large wooden crosses.

Villagers led by Phil Evans were suspiciously fast to react. Within minutes the Church of St. Haroldine The Peachy was surrounded by a mob, demanding the statue of Jesus be replaced by an etching of a committee.

The Rev. Tansy Forster watched as Jesus was crowbarred from the wall.

“Standing crossless by the bins, our former icon now looks like a nuddy Frenchman”, claimed Forster. “He shrugs Gallicly to anyone who pops round there, not to smoke.”

Phil Evans has offered to carve a temporary replacement, featuring a democratically elected board of historical figures.

“I can do one with my chainsaw but I’m not that good at faces”, said Evans. “So they need to be easily recognised by some other means.”

To this end, Evans has suggested starting off with The Beast of Harold, a spaceman or other, Hitler, a monkey and the Mekon.

“Not worshipping is easier than worshipping, so I support the Canterbury up to the hilt”, said Evans. “And these figures should burn well, if we find they fuck things up.”