A Night of Awards: How the Night of Awards Went at the Awards

By Mik Bulk, onsite, then at the time

journalistHa, it was with joy and care that I found myself into the yearly annual British journalist’s’ awards at the swish Harold City Village Tractor Hall for my slice of the pie – and now I report.

The swish room was steaming with the cream of the top dogs from across the many fields, and I was awed by the presence of so many of my fellow equals.

The large room was a hotbed of the most brilliant talent: my esteemed fellow writer Katie Hopkiss was sat nearby, as was the much-enamoured Simon Heifer, the Nazi-era realist specialist Max Hustings, the man’s man-writer Richard Littlejones and the former woman and MP turned esteemed journo Anne Woodencum

I, naturally, had been de-nom’d as ‘Most Penetrative Journalist’ for my work on various matters. But before that came up, Katie Hopkiss trundled onto the stage to receive her slice of the pie, which was for ‘Best Investigative Speculations’.

She was whooped and hailed by us all and said thank you. Next my esteemed friend Melon Phillip got her just deserts in the form of the ‘Most Reasonable Analysis’ award for her heartfelt intrigues on the too-difficult-for-most longstanding Israeli-Muslim war dispute.

She was most braced about the accolade and made a speech – to which many of us cried and gave the clap.

I’d been drinking and was very happy – but woe next! For when my turn came up, the award went elsewhere – to my esteemed fellow man Peter Hinchlings, whose supposedly ‘Penetrative’ work had been the best.

I am too long in the teeth to take things lying down like that so I cheered my colleague anyway – even though it must have hurt me on some level.

Mr Peter made a speech that was so sad that we stared amazed and could only but laugh, which I think he understood.

Some music started playing so I went over to talk with my esteemed colleague Katie H. We laughed as she admitted she didn’t know of me. I said: ‘Never mind. The heart of journalism is pumped by you, I told her, she laughed.’

She said: ‘Buy me a drink and I said ‘They’ll free and laughed’.

Looking around, I wondered how anyone could doubt that the British Journalistic Press is anything but the best in the earth.

I was quite badly drunk when the trumpets blasted for last orders when my old esteemed colleague Richard Littlejones came up to me laughing.

He reckoned there were ‘faggots about’ which I barely heralded as a thing I could understand. But it made me remember I was hungry and so I went home to the chip shop. And then I went home again to where I live with my chips.

Other awards and awardees (receivers) I remember (recall):

Superbest Ideas – Sharon Wine

Harmony and Steadfastness In Words – Imelda Prattel

Important Reasonable Assumptions – Ron Lidl

Transparency and Clarity on Paper – Wilf Shelf

Erudite Evisceration Of Minorities – AA Gild

Honesty and Originality – Johan Harry

Affable Sustained Attacks on Working Class and Female Targets – Queentin Let

Working Hard for Britain in Print and Speaking Out Loud – Jermaine Clarksome

Keenest Anti-Homosexual Homosexual – Android Pierce

Services to a Lifetime of Making Journalism More Better – Desmond Richards

Maybe there were some more.

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