‘Stop looking at me and read the article. Oh OK, just 1 more minute.
As you may be aware, I have again caused a stir. I seem to attract controversy as much as I attract all men, and most women.
Although the point of being on a lifelong diet is one that should be debated, it is for others to discuss if they can keep their eyes off me for long enough.
The only reason I decide to write these controversial views, which date back to the 1950’s, is so people will talk about me and notice that I really am quite beautiful.
As I like to say to my husband, the lucky bastard, being this attractive means that I am duty bound to let people know about it, and sometimes that means saying stupid things to get the attention.
In all honesty, I think being on a diet for life is extreme. Fat people would be much better off if they just chopped off a limb when they want to lose weight. Oh, there I go again.
But that is a side issue to the one that sees me using a mirror when administering self pleasure. The same thing that means my husband, the lucky bastard, must wear a mask of my face during sex to ensure I can enjoy making love to me as much as he obviously does.
I do understand why people get upset every time I make stupid comments. My husband, the lucky bastard, and I had some friends around for a candle-lit supper which saw one of them bring some very expensive, hand-made French chocolates – that’s the kind of company people with my good looks keep.
This was a perfect chance for me to mention that I’m not a fat insensitive cow like her so they can go straight in the bin. In one fell swoop I had all the attention on me and a whole room noticing that I really am some kind of Goddess. Of course when our guests left, I scoffed them down as quick as my over moisturised hands would allow.
So please remember when people are talking about how insensitive I am, how I may be influencing younger and more insecure girls to develop eating disorders and what a complete bitch I’ve become, what they are really doing is commenting on how gorgeous I am. On the outside they may act like they hate me, but on the inside they wish they could stare at me and lick my beautiful face like my husband does, the lucky bastard.
This parody article was not actually been written by Samantha Brick, but we are sure she would have said it had we asked.
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