1. How to protect your house with a simple yet cheap weapon

Burglar alarm flashingFor my first piece of crime prevention advice, I would like to start with the crime that most people in the village are scared of, burglary.

The most important thing to remember is if you find yourself being burgled then you can call me, and I will get out of my warm bed, into the cold, at night, on my own, putting my life at risk just because the nasty man is in your house. However if we can stop that happening then everyone’s happy.

The first step to home security is a good alarm system that is monitored by a third-party company, but that can be expensive so I would recommend a heavy blunt instrument under the bed. The classic baseball bat is my crime prevention weapon of choice, but a short plank of wood can work just as well.

The trick with preventing crime this way is to get in early, and I would say the moment anyone steps foot on your driveway they are fair game. Official police burglary prevention guidelines suggests you run at the potential criminal screaming, waving you crime prevention instrument above your head. If you need to make crime preventative contact using your weapon, then a swift sharp blow to the base of the skull of the intruder should do the trick.

Psychologists have proven that the correct use of language can help calm any situation, but in this case you will find you haven’t got time to think about what some crackpot doctor says, so we say all you need to remember is to repeatedly shout GOMFY, ‘Get Off My Fucking Yard’. This with the bat wielding should see your house well protected.

The only downside is that occasionally there can be instances of friendly fire, with postmen and feral youths delivering papers being at most risk, but don’t worry. If that happens it will be okay as CID deal with serious assault cases leaving me undisturbed.

Next week: How to use crime prevention to avoid being mugged