Government reveals £10bn “Help to buy Election” scheme

Signs of the times. Come on, get moving!

After finally tracking down the magic money tree in the back garden of 10 Downing Street, the government believes what the housing market really needs is not, as idiots might think, more homes but an injection of cash into the market to help home owners, like your gran, feel happier as prices rise.

“But it’s not just elderly Daily Mail readers who’ll benefit from a £10bn boost in house price inflation,” said Theresa May “No, some of our own MPs are under 50 and if this piffling sum will help them hang on to their seats in the next election, it’ll be money well spent”.

Mrs May dismissed calls for more actual homes to be built as ‘simplistic left-wing nonsense’, and said that, if left to itself, the market will ensure enough new homes will be built.

“Enough means enough.” said the Theresa May in response to questions “I can’t put it any clearer than that. No, I really can’t”.