Virgo 10 years ago, 2 years ago and an artist’s impression of what he will look like next year
The BBC has revealed today that the ever more shabby appearance of presenter John Virgo is due to the snooker commentator having been spending most of his time living under a bridge over the last year.
“John’s appearance was never the smartest even during his playing days, where the waistcoat was always offset by the beard, but we had become increasingly concerned over the last couple of years as he deteriorated ever further. So we approached him a few months ago to ensure that everything was ok.” confirmed a spokesman for the BBC,
“It turns out that he has been living under a bridge pretty much constantly for the last year or so. He said that he has ‘always been in touch with his inner tramp’ and developed an obsession with the lifestyle of sitting under a bridge and swearing at passers by, while off his head on over strength lager.”
The former UK snooker champion gradually started increasing the number of nights he would spend under a bridge and spending less time at home. His wife has not seen him for nearly six months and the BBC, as a responsible employer, have started paying his salary in blankets and soup.
“John said that he no longer accessed his bank account so asked for alternative arrangements to be made for his salary.” continued the BBC spokesman, “At first we started paying him one case of Special Brew for every session that he commentated on, but that caused a lot of problems.”
“He started drinking on air, making less and less sense and then wandering around the studios banging on about ‘the good old days’, asking everybody if they used to watch Big Break and occasionally just yelling ‘Where’s the cue ball going?!’ for no apparent reason. So that had to stop.”
Unfortunately for viewers Virgo’s new, alcohol-free pay packet has not stopped him from talking utter bollocks on air.
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