Controversy as University of Life wins University Challenge final

Brenda had all the answers

In a huge upset, the winner of the 2013 edition of University Challenge is the University of Life, a team composed entirely of Harold locals whose formal education ended at the age of 14 or earlier.

The University of Life’s victory was all the more surprising as the team had not qualified for the final, but was a last minute replacement for the University College of London who mysteriously didn’t turn up to the BBC studio on time.

University of Life team captain and Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said he felt for the University College of London team, but their navigational woes could have been easily avoided if they had spent less time studying classic Greek and Roman literature, and more time studying classic Wacky Racers cartoons, with the Dick Dastardly sign-switching routine.

Once in the final, the University of Life team of Jackson, advice columnist Brenda Ferguson, scissor shop owner Julie Kettle, and retiree Elsie Duggan dominated the favourites Manchester University.

Ms Ferguson, who wore a low cut top that set off her triple D cup breasts against her long, blonde locks, said that it appeared the Manchester University team completely lost their capacity to concentrate in the presence of a buxom bisexual who constantly twirled her hair and put one finger to her mouth.

“If the Manchester boys had spent more time studying internet porn, and less time with their heads in the books, they might have been able to make words come out of their transfixed, open mouths.”

The University of Life’s victory looked likely after Julie Kettle successfully got Jeremy Paxman to accept her answer of “whatshisname” after threatening to cut him with scissors.

But it was Elsie Duggan, the 86 year old sole resident of the Over-the-Hill nursing home, who finally ensured the victory by causing the Manchester team to scatter in fear after asking them to help her put her false teeth back in her mouth.

Rufus D Jackson noted that the victory had sparked wild celebrations from Harold to nearby Dunstable, and said it could finally put Harold on the map after earlier rebuffs from all the major GPS companies.