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No more diving to rescue your football team, warns referee

Tom Daley: been helping Dele Alli in training

The referee for tonight’s World Cup semi-final has warned all players that any diving will be punished by a yellow card.

“I know you’ve all been inspired by the amazing diving to rescue the Wild Boars football team,” said Cuneyt Cakir ahead of England v Croatia, “but don’t try to replicate it on the pitch tonight. Unless you’re the goal-keeper.”

“If you get sent off, it’ll be a problem of your own Croatian,” he warned. Continue reading

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Afghan war ‘may go to penalties’ says MoD

jumpers

Orphans in jumpers for goalposts.

With the Afghanistan war shuffling slowly towards extra time, Defence Secretary Philip Hammond thinks it could end in every UK soldier’s worst nightmare – sudden death penalties.

“Having been there longer than World Wars I and II, Suez & the Falklands combined, the lads would’ve liked to bring home the silverware”, said Hammond. “Perhaps a victorious march up The Mall in autumn sunshine with cheering crowds and a Spitfire flypast. Realistically, we’ll probably have to slip in to Portsmouth as runners-up. After midnight. In late November.”

Nevertheless, Hammond, formerly global sales ambassador for Mogadon, rejected rumours of despondency amongst the troops. “True, our guys get a little twitchy when an Afghan Policeman has a pop with a semi-automatic and scores another own goal. There’s usually no real malice though. So we just shake hands. Then send a cruise missile to his family’s next wedding ‘by mistake’! It’s just a bit of banter between professionals really.”
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