Wire brushes, bleach, mechanically recovered soap. Don’t look knackered, no-one buys flowers for a shagged out panda. Evans Hardware has all your paint removal needs. Also available: spinster flowers.
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- Japanese boy overjoyed Boris is recovering “I’ve trained for 1583 days and I want my revenge”
- Huge increase in coronavirus testing as the Wombles take power
- Delivery van driver now graduate only profession as middle class realise its importance
- Forget Joe Wicks: Michael Gove’s 5PM spin class is nation’s favourite workout
- World wide wahey: delighted animals tell humans to stay on lockdown forever
- UK to give world a bloody good laugh by getting morons to panic buy McDonald’s
- Anti-vaxxers devastated there is no coronavirus vaccine they can refuse to take
- January: still no end in sight.
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