I’d like to start this week by apologising, unreservedly, for using the incorrect term of address.
I have been reliably informed that we are all Haroldites, and not Haroldians as I mistakenly believed. I now stand corrected.
Many thanks to Melody Hallett, Brenda Ferguson, Mrs Evans, Dr Evans, Sally Lloyd, Andy the Curate and almost every
sodding pedantic nit-picking villager I’ve met this week for pointing that out. (And yes, I know that we will forever be ‘incomers’ to those of you who can trace your ancestors back to the very origins of Harold.)
Anyway, Hello Lovely Haroldites!!
This has been our busiest week to date here in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! all thanks to the piece published right here in the Evening Harold about my dear son, Simon.
Life handed my darling lemons when it left him wheel chair bound, but Simon doesn’t take things sitting down. Well he does, but let’s not dwell.
This week, he was interviewed following the disgraceful decision of Tesco to decline his job application, most shameful of them, but what does one expect of a global cartel of market- raping muggers?
Simon is now basking in his fifteen minutes of fame and is hopeful of his own reality show. (If that fat oik William McKean can have one, then so should my little trooper!) He even had a call from the Headmaster of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven, asking him to visit the school for a talk. Sadly, it turns out it was a talk about Simon’s non-attendance at school, something that due to the long, long hours I’ve been putting into Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! had escaped my notice, although one would have thought that Dom, being in the house all day glued to moronic daytime TV might have been aware of his only son squeaking about the reclaimed hard-wood flooring in his wheelchair.
On another, altogether more embarrassing note, I have been asked for my reaction to Dom’s little contretemps with the local constabulary yesterday, and while obviously it is nothing more than an unfortunate misunderstanding, and NOT a return of his condition, I will steadfastly stand by my husband at this difficult time. Everyone’s so quick to judge…
We’ve also found we have had an influx of visitors in our little café thanks to the fact that local ‘Goth’ Josh has taken to moping about outside the chip shop and making rather startling claims that the pickled eggs are mocking him.The Stephen Fryer’s loss is Veggie! Veggie! Veggie’s gain, not to mention how it benefits your cholesterol, BMI and our environment! (Keep up the good work Josh, there will be free sweet potato chips for you this week! Just don’t come near the café.)
Despite all this excitement in our lives, plus the increased number of hours I’m spending in the café, I’ve still found the necessary time to look after myself. I popped into one of the top salons in our county (I use the word ‘top’ loosely, I so miss darling Nicky Clarke) for a quick trim and touch up on my hair, and I must admit, it was fab to have a chance to catch up on all that’s ‘hot’ in the world of ‘Hello’, albeit 6 months later than the rest of the civilized world.
As I’ve said before, it’s vitally important that we ladies make time for ourselves and keep our appearance in tip-top condition. It just wouldn’t do to let our men see us looking anything other than perfect. Especially given some of the ‘ladies’ in the village.
I’d also like to take this as an opportunity to remind all the citizens of Harold that just because a recipe is entitled ‘Welsh Rarebit’, it needn’t actually be Welsh, and therefore is not going to be a carrier nor accelerator of the Measles epidemic being suffered by all those poor souls whose parents chose not to risk the whole MMR thing. The decision to withdraw this week’s organic recipe from the paper was not one with which I agreed, but don’t worry Haroldites, you can still sample this fantastically simple yet tasty dish at Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!.
Until next week,