After 30 years of being a GP, I see the same old ailments recur. Each week there is a steady stream of children brought in at the first sign of a sniffle, council workers with Monday to Friday flu, and careless souls who have slipped in the shower and fallen backwards onto that shampoo bottle again. In each case, I give the patients two aspirin and they are right as rain. But recently I have noticed a malady that is causing widespread concern and was much harder to fix – David Cameron hair.
I had a number of male patients come to my surgery who were listless, pale, somewhat confused, and struggling in the bedroom department. None of them responded to the two aspirin dose, and tests shed no light on the problem. Then suddenly I realised the problem was “upstairs” – rapidly receding locks of hair exposing a huge, shiny forehead – the classic symptoms of David Cameron hair.
I found that dealing with David Cameron hair was no easy matter. Many patients were in denial, – like King Canute, they were backcombing their hair in a final follicly futile gesture against an incoming tide of hair loss. Other patients retreated into an “austerity” approach and resolved to live with less hair. One particularly unlucky patient not only had David Cameron hair, but Nick Clegg hair colouring.
Finally I hit on a solution – I realised I needed to show my patients that hair isn’t everything, and some people with lots of hair are just giant toss-pots. So I showed my patients a photo of Boris Johnson and they instantly felt much better.