Cocoa may slow dementia but take heroin for a good time

latex A study has found that old people who drink two cups of cocoa per day have improved memory and awareness – it must be true as I read it on the BBC website. But it got me thinking, what is the point of being more lucid if that means you are suddenly aware you are an inmate of an old people’s home that smells of stale piss and rotting flowers?

My recommendation is a mixed cocoa / hard drugs solution.

Drinking the cocoa is an important first step – the elderly need to be lucid enough to find the right vein or to avoid confusing the LSD tab with the 20p stamp. But once the vein is found or the tab is popped, then it is a magical mystery tour where the rest home becomes a cascading kaleidoscopic carousel of fun. Plus the sex is great, albeit it is with a teapot.

Now I know what you are thinking – how can a medical man of 35 years standing seriously recommend hard drugs?

My answer is I am only recommending drugs for elderly people – obviously they are far too risky for young people who could have a fatal overdose or lose the ability to function at work. But when you are old, what is the downside? Fatal overdose = merciful release. Inability to function = hello, we are talking 80 year olds here. With the minimal downsides, it is a mystery to me that more OAPs aren’t shooting up.

The escape from reality is not the only benefit that consuming hard drugs provides. Some of my patients have confided that they get the most pleasure from watching their parasitic children squirm as they snort the kid’s inheritance up their noses – no matter how miserable they felt beforehand this always cheers them up.


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