Wetherspoon’s Tim Martin to exhale enough CO2 to get them through crisis

Blah blah blah, Brexit. Blah blah blah Brexit. Blah blah blah …

Windbag and Question Time regular, the alcohol-pusher Tim Martin, plans to keep talking at his usual rate over the weekend, providing enough CO2 to power a thousand Wetherspoon pubs and most of the UK’s abattoirs.

Martin took a break from telling everyone how wonderful Brexit is going to be for him, his minimum-wage staff*, and the alcohol treatment sector, to explain how wonderful he is.

Speaking with the trademark drawl that has everyone wondering ‘What is that irritating fucking accent?’ Martin explained how serving high-strength beer from 8am as part of a Full English breakfast and keeping staff on subsistence wages was what made Britain great.

He was still talking when our reporter was forced to retreat for health reasons. Martin is probably still ‘Talking for Britain’ somewhere; as might a massive prick.

“If the situation worsens, we may need to use helium instead of CO2,” said Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of Harold’s Squirrel Lickers Arms, speaking rather quickly and in a high-pitched voice.


*No Wetherspoon staff are paid less than the legal minimum wage, we are happy to report.

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