Sitting on a sofa in his underpants, online gambler thinks he’s James Bond

Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?

Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.

Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from the Corbyn Fields estate, popping Duracell AAA battery packs down his tracksuit bottoms in aisle three.

“Admittedly, I’ve not yet arrested a criminal mastermind, but I nick Darren every couple of weeks; more often when the price of heroin goes up.”

Being coach for Harold Thursday FC helps McKean maintain his secret identity of an overweight loser, with no friends, who still takes his dirty clothes back to his mum’s for washing on Friday evenings.

“I don’t let her wash my tux though. She doesn’t know I own one.” he explained “That goes to a specialist cleaner over in Dunstable.”

“Which is why I’m sitting here now in my underpants, rather than shooting the cuffs of a hand-made Henry Herbert shirt.”

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