Turkeys are heading to the polls today to decide once and for all whether they should demand Christmas.
In a vote which is looking neck and neck, there is every chance that the nation’s turkeys will collectively decide that they want nothing more than to be slaughtered, roasted in fire and feasted on by salivating old Etonians.
“It’s about taking back control,” explained one turkey waiting patiently in line to be butchered. “I could live to a deeply dissatisfying old age, or have my head cut off.”
“Well, it’s my head, and I don’t see why anyone else should tell me what to do with it.”
Celebrity Eurosceptic and glutton Michael Gove explained why a vote for Christmas was the best thing for Britain:
“Our Turkeys know that what they really need is to be smeared with butter, roasted for four hours, and basted every thirty minutes.”
“I’ve been stuffing them for years, and they don’t seem to mind a bit.”
When asked for a comment, drooling carnivore Boris Johnson merely burped and muttered something about gravy.
A spokesturkey for the Remain Alive For God’s Sake campaign expressed disbelief that so many turkeys were voting to be killed and eaten, saying: “Are you not paying attention? They are going to kill and eat us! With gravy! Is that what you want?”
“We’re game!” chorused half the voting turkeys.