“This washed up Lego means beaches are becoming impossible to walk on barefoot and the language on our seafronts is not suitable for young ears”. That’s the view of councils in Devon and Cornwall as millions of pieces of the foot crippling, expletive inducing plastic building blocks continue to wash ashore following a spillage from a boat in 1997.
“Its bad enough when you step on a piece on the stairs, but this is bloody everywhere,” a councillor in Perranporth, Cornwall explained. “This summer the beach was full of grown adults holding their feet, crying in agony, after stepping on these small pieces of plastic weapons of mass foot destruction.
“Normally we are praised for our blue skies and blue waters, but at the moment the only thing that is blue is the air. I didn’t know ‘AhYaFucBastardyBollockingTwat’ was a word, but I have heard that more from grown men than any other word recently.
“Newquay has waves and holds surfing competitions. It has become so bad here, we’re thinking of leaving the Lego where it is and having an annual swearing gala.”
There is now a danger that these spots will lose all their tourists, with them swapping the sandy Lego minefields for the slightly more comfortable pebble beaches in Brighton. However, the councils have a plan to show their efforts to clean up the problem.
“Like Diana in Angola, we have requested the Duchess of Cambridge to come in full protective gear and walk across the Lego minefield to show it is safe.
“Of course we will sent someone through first, just in case. We couldn’t have the lovely Kate being crippled by a Lego Luke Skywalker sticking out of her foot.”
The Lego isn’t thought to have affected wildlife, but some hermit crabs have been seen living in Disney castles