Following WW2 codebreaker Alan Turing’s long-awaited royal pardon, Russian President Vladimir Putin has immediately issued a warrant for his arrest.
Computer pioneer Turing was convicted for homosexuality in 1952, and was punished by being chemically castrated. Although Gordon Brown issued an official apology in 2009, calling Turing’s treatment ‘appalling’, it has taken until now for a full pardon to be issued.
On hearing the news, Putin convened a hasty press conference where he announced that Russian police were already watching the borders to prevent Turing from coming to their country and ‘spreading the gayness’. ‘Russia has no homosexuals,’ he revealed, ‘Not one. And we’re not going to start now. If he comes here, I’ll have him.’
When it was pointed out that Turing died in 1954 from cyanide poisoning, Putin was unrepentant, insisting: ‘That’s just the sort of trick these gayers will try. Well, we’re not going to fall for it – you won’t catch me with my trousers down.’
Most countries now look back in shame at how they used to treat homosexuals, but under Putin Russia has developed the sort of rabid homophobia usually only associated with those trying desperately to hide something very very deep. Many have asked why Russia should be so anxious to be seen to be anti-gay, but no-one has managed to work out the President’s motives for this hard line.
Putin, known for his unusual hobbies such as naked bear wrestling, is a black belt in Judo and frequently spends whole evenings taking on all comers on the mat, tossing an endless stream of men over his shaved head.