“We have come a long way, but the job is not yet half way done”. These were the words of George Osborne’s hairdresser yesterday when talking about the now famous ‘Austerity Cut’ he has been working on for the past few months.
“We have gone some way with this cut but will need to complete at least a further £25 worth of cuts to get things looking a little bit more respectable,” he continued.
Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!
Gangnam Style, the Harlem Shake and Twerking have all had their day and now the latest dance craze is set to be the Manchester United dance, made up almost entirely of backwards steps.
“This is already sweeping the UK, proving especially popular in Liverpool and certain parts of Manchester with a sky blue colour theme. Given Manchester United’s global appeal I would expect it to be seen on dance floors around the world within the next few months.” said David Moyes, the man credited as being the inspiration behind the first viral dance craze of 2014. Continue reading
Where’s the rest of the month? Oh…
As the date of the latest apocalyptic prediction draws closer, with the Viking apocalypse Ragnorak set to occur on February 22nd, the leader of a secret society dedicated to the protection of mankind has bemoaned their continuing lack of recognition.
“People noticed that Gary Barlow and David Beckham were not knighted in the 2014 New Year Honours List, but nobody batted an eyelid at the fact that all of our members were overlooked once again, despite having prevented the end of the world numerous times.” complained a man who insisted on being referred to as ‘Grand Master’. Continue reading
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The MP for Harold, Spencer Chadwick, has had to admit trying to make his family seem “as common as constituents” by linking working class establishments to more upper class alternatives with a link of tunnels running under the village.
The Conservative member of parliament can often be seen posing for pictures dropping his children off at the gates to the local state school. However, the moment his children enter the school they are ushered away from the other children and taken through one of the tunnels on a chauffeur driven Segway to a £4000-a-term private school three miles away.
Thick as pig shit? Or time-honoured tradition?
The news that the Duke of Cambridge will spend a term studying a “bespoke” course in agriculture at Cambridge University has prompted a backlash from other students who resent him being given a “free pass” when they had to work so hard to get there.
But this isn’t the first time aristocrats have used their connections to gain entry to namesake seats of learning says Jason Simms, a local author and expert on the education of Britain’s nobility.
“One example that most people will remember was when the 5th Earl of South Bank side-stepped London South Bank University’s entry requirements to do a foundation course in Psychology, but there is in fact a much longer tradition of royals choosing to study at universities that have the same name as them.”
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Filed under Education, Farming, News, Royals, Uncategorized
High temperatures can also cause freakishly large penguins.
Climate scientists rescued from a trapped research ship in Antarctica have claimed that their computer models ‘accurately predicted’ that they would get stuck in the first place.
The diesel-powered research ship MV Akademik Shokalskiy had set out on an 8,000 mile journey to highlight how normal people ought to cut down on unnecessary journeys.
But after grinding to a halt in unusually thick pack-ice, climatologist Dr Alan Pecher claimed that it ‘just proved how much hotter the South Pole has become’.
Continue reading
It’s a Super Off-Peak!
Almost 750 train tickets have been bought via the Help to Buy train ticket guarantee scheme, the government has said.
The UK-wide initiative, which started in October, lets people buy single and return train tickets with a deposit as small as 5% of the total crippling cost, with the remainder of the loan backed by the taxpayer in case the traveller defaults or oversleeps.
Liberal Democrat Vince Cable recently said the scheme should be reassessed in light of a “raging ticket price bubble” which has seen some popular fares increase by 500% every few days, but Prime Minister David Cameron maintained that it is preventing people from being frozen out of the train ticket market. Continue reading
Hackers have dramatically improved Skype, Microsoft has confirmed.
A group calling themselves the Syrian Electronic Army has claimed responsibility for the Enhancement of Service Attack (EoSA), which for a time left users able to make video calls without gnawing through their fists in frustration.
“The Syrian Electronic Army has struck a blow against Western Neo-Con Troubleshooters”, read a statement. “Once again, President Assad can speak to his loyal followers while showing us his genitals.”
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Filed under News, Technology
The Home Secretary and the Prime Minister: run from them as you would the wolf.
Bună ziua şi Bine Aţi Venit la Marea Britanie!
Hello and welcome to Britain our new Romanian friends! If certain tabloids are to be believed then fully one hundred percent of you moved in shortly after midnight. To help smooth your transition from your old country to your new we have put together this handy list of the top ten things you need to know. Print it out, carry it with you at all times and consult it often.
Good luck and nu vă lăsaţi-i pe nenorociţi vă macină în jos. Continue reading
Filed under News
From here it all looks blue and white
After stalling over the central issue of tie colour, talks aimed at solving some of Northern Ireland’s most contentious issues have re-started The five main parties will discuss parades, flags, dealing with the past and the colour of ties.
Talks chairman, former US diplomat Dr Richard Haass, is back in Belfast “for one final effort to help these clowns reach agreement.” Continue reading
The government has today announced the electrification of the M1 between London and Sheffield. Transport Minister Patrick McLoughlin also explained many other upgrades to the route that will see safety increased, including bumpers around the edge of the carriageway.
The electricity needed for vehicles to run will be supplied via a mesh running along the length of the route with a pole extending from the back of the car connecting it to the national grid. “Essentially we are going to invest billions of pounds in the world’s longest bumper car course” Mr McLoughlin told reporters. “This will of course become a toll road. You pay your £2.50 per person at the toll booth in exchange for a token to get your car going.”
I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one
Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas presents this morning.
Many people hit on the idea of returning their local MP along with the new jumper that is several sizes too small, but stores are refusing to refund or even exchange politicians as they claim it is “not their place to do so”. Continue reading
The Scouts, Territorial and Salvation Armies have been stood down in Harold after experts confirmed it was the heavy winds that blew 11 recycling boxes in to the middle of the road, and it was not the start of an Eco-invasion.
“The alarm was raised at 5am this morning during the storm,” PC Flegg told us. “We had calls from several concerned residents who say the recycling boxes were taking up ‘a combat position’ in the middle of the road.
Continue reading
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Filed under Christmas, environment, News, Travel, Weather
And they’ve been listening to Rudolph’s voice mails.
America’s National Security Agency has been plunged into fresh controversy following the revelation that it has been tracking the movements of beloved international philanthropist Father Christmas for several years.
In a multi-agency approach the North American Aerospace Defence Command (NORAD) watches every moment of Father Christmas’ famous journey across the entire globe which takes place every December 25th. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News
‘Welcome aboard flight EJ563. Our destination is classified.’
Britain’s airport capacity problem could finally be solved, if an experimental launch of an EasyJet airliner from HMS Prince of Wales proves a success.
Head of defence staff Nicholas Houghton insisted that commercial flights between aircraft carriers would allow runways to be moved if there were complaints, and save everyone the bother of having to drive to London.
“Aircraft carriers can adapt to changes in demand”, insisted Houghton. “You can sail one down to Gibraltar if anyone wants to visit there, or divert them to the Falklands if they fancy having a look at a penguin.”
The General pointed out that building ‘just a dozen or so’ new aircraft carriers would serve as a warning to rogue nations that armies of obnoxious tourists could be deployed anywhere in the world.
Using a modified launch ramp that can handle 300 passengers and up to 15 tonnes of duty-free, HMS Prince of Wales can now launch holiday makers with less than 40 seconds warning.
Houghton admitted that passengers would need to adapt slightly before they use the new facility.
“It’s a simple matter of taking the Queen’s shilling”, he explained. “We’re talking about less than 18 weeks basic training, learning how to hold your rum and then swimming a width wearing pyjamas”, he explained.
A spokesman from EasyJet pointed out that the mobility of aircraft carriers might occasionally mean a last-minute change in destination.
“If that happens we can arrange a transfer through our sister company, EasyPedalo”, said George Otway. “But at least you’ll have half a chance of arriving in the country you chose, which is a lot better than you’d get with Ryanair.”
Passengers on the first trial spoke of some difficulties, particularly as the location of their departure aircraft carrier was a closely guarded secret.
“We were flown out here on a rendition flight via Libya, and we’ve had nothing to do for 72 hours”, said one couple. “Our hand luggage has been stolen, there’s bullet holes in our suitcase and the scenery is just one depressing sea of grey. So overall, it’s about the same as flying out of Luton.”
Garages expect their peak trading to be 7pm Christmas Eve
After Cyber Monday and Black Friday, two of the biggest shopping days online and on the High Street, shops and garages all over the UK are bracing themselves for Man Monday. The day, which this year falls just two days before Christmas, sees 90% of men start their Christmas shopping.
The British Retail Consortium say although this may not be the most profitable day of the shopping year, it is a great chance for them to get rid of the tat that didn’t sell before the Boxing Day sales.
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December 21, 2013 · 10:39 am
Our little boy is growing up and leaving home
The UK has said today that they fully respect Scotland’s bid for independence, and admire their determination to stand on their own two feet, but that “they needn’t think they are going to be able to bring their washing home at weekends for me to do”.
Alex Salmond is hoping that Scotland will go with his bid for independence, swayed by the promise of being able to stay up as late as they want, not having to tidy their room if they don’t want to, and being able to bring girls home whenever they like. But there are doubts from the UK as to whether Scotland fully understands everything involved. Continue reading
Police in Harold have warned the public to be on the look out for an escaped six foot animatronic penis. The man-sized phallus is not thought to be dangerous but does have a tendency to spout some unsavoury stuff from its head.
The penis was constructed by Harold Technologies Ltd and designed to help artificially inseminate elephants as part of a nature conservation project however there appears to be a fault in the programming.
The good old days, said no one ever.
Vladimir Putin is today threatening to bring “death to the West” over the PC game Dota 2. Earlier this week all player restrictions were removed by online game provider Steam forcing Western gamers to play alongside Russians: a move which has proved as successful as a Gauls and Romans harmony and togetherness workshop.
Dota 2 is a strategy/action game where players who are often total strangers are thrown together to form teams, attack another team and defend their buildings in a pleasing looking fantasy land. Less pleasing is that players talk to each other over mics while doing this. Continue reading
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