Category Archives: News

Village’s ‘3D printer’ finishes jumper

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With 3D printing on the increase and a Manchester company claiming to have made a pair of 3D printed knickers, Harold’s very own ‘3D printing prototype’ has finally finished ‘printing’ a jumper.

“The project has been going for a while now, but we finally have a finished product” a spokesman for the Over-The-Hill retirement home, which houses the printer, told us.

“The technology is still a bit primitive, but Elsie Duggan, 86, can now knit 3D scarfs, over-sized 3D jumpers and gloves for people with six fingers.”

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God blames Ukip for flood of stupidity

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God: sometimes He must really regret that promise to Noah.

God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, has blamed the heavy floods of stupidity that have recently battered Britain on Ukip.

In an exclusive interview with the Evening Harold God said that Ukip members, like David Silvester the Henley-on-Thames councillor who claimed that the recent bad weather has been caused by gay marriage, are making the country thicker by acting “arrogantly against common sense.” Continue reading

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Lord McAlpine sues again after BBC accuse him of being dead

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The BBC have found themselves in hot water again with Lord McAlpine after incorrectly announcing he was dead. The announcement is thought by some to be a knee jerk reaction to criticism they failed to cover the death of Elvis properly in the 1970s.

“We would like to apologise to Lord McAlpine for accusing him of being dead,” the director General said. “He can rest assured he will be getting a large payment usually reserved for sacked employees. Again.”

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Hayley will come a cropper – Corri chiefs rule out Downton-like cure for soap star

"A reprieve?? ............ oh!"

“Hurrah, a reprieve!” ………………………… “oh!”

Despite an intense campaign from viewers, ITV executives have confirmed that Coronation Street’s Hayley Cropper, currently suffering from terminal cancer and the centre of an assisted suicide storyline will not be given an eleventh hour reprieve.

The news will come as a bitter blow to devoted fans who had hoped that the popular character might receive a miracle cure, similar to that of Downton Abbey’s Matthew Crawley, who staggeringly not only regained the use of his legs after a WWI shell blast, but also had a genital transplant enabling him to father an heir to the Downton millions. Continue reading

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Cheshire finally gains chemical weapon capability

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Observers spot appallingly modified Range Rover near Wilmslow.

Cheshire has declared it has a ‘significant chemical weapon capability’ after winning an online auction for Syria’s old stock.

While its new deadly status is just beginning to sink in, the rogue county has already drawn up a series of demands and issued a statement of intent.

“These weapons will allow us to defend ourselves against anyone foolish enough to launch an attack”, claimed the northern territory.

“One more quip from Jeremy Clarkson about ‘onyx coffee tables’ or ‘Range Rooneys’ and we’ll have no option but to melt his big face.”
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Australian Open weather reporting reaches record high

Some tennis also being played

Some tennis also being played

Reporting of the weather at the Australian Open reached a new high today with the extremely high temperatures being mentioned 44 times during a single match, the fourth time that the previous record has been broken during this tournament.

Before this year the record stood at 27 mentions of the weather in one match, during a thunder storm at the 2010 tournament, but soaring weather references have seen that record broken on each day of the 2014 event so far. Continue reading

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John Virgo living under a bridge

Virgo 10 years ago, 2 years ago and an artist's impression of what he will look like next year

Virgo 10 years ago, 2 years ago and an artist’s impression of what he will look like next year

The BBC has revealed today that the ever more shabby appearance of presenter John Virgo is due to the snooker commentator having been spending most of his time living under a bridge over the last year.

“John’s appearance was never the smartest even during his playing days, where the waistcoat was always offset by the beard, but we had become increasingly concerned over the last couple of years as he deteriorated ever further. So we approached him a few months ago to ensure that everything was ok.” confirmed a spokesman for the BBC, Continue reading

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New Harry Potter leaked: ‘Harry Potter and the Atos Tribunal’ is the darkest book yet

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Sadly for Harry outstanding courage and loyalty are no help when your enemy is the DWP.

Leaked copies of the eighth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Atos Tribunal, have confirmed speculation that this new book will see the former boy wizard all grown-up and struggling with life in David Cameron’s Britain. Continue reading

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‘Bankers’ bonuses will help their cost of living crisis’, insists Osborne

20140115-124031.jpgGeorge Osborne has tackled Labour’s ‘cost of living’ argument straight on today but refusing to limit bankers’ bonuses, allowing them to continue to live to a standard they have become accustomed.

“I am not as out of touch as Labour would have you believe,” Osborne told a press conference.

“I am well aware that rising energy prices are making it difficult for people to heat their homes, especially when those homes include an eight-bedroom country manor and a Central London apartment.

“With fuel prices rising, we don’t want ordinary, hard-working people giving up their jobs because they simply cannot afford to get to work, and aviation fuel is almost as expensive per litre than some of the finest champagnes.”

The chancellor has been criticised for not capping the bonuses. Critics claim a million pound salary should be enough without another million pound on top.

But Osborne insists any cost of living crisis could be solved by letting bankers be rewarded for gambling.

“The larger the bonus given to my friends, the more I have to defend it,” Osborne continued, “and that should create enough hot air to heat the whole country.”

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Red faces at National Archive after Baldrick poem published with WW1 soldiers’ diaries

Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, .... Baldrick?

Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, …. Baldrick?

Officials behind the launch of a major initiative detailing lives of ordinary soldiers during the First World War were embarrassed by the discovery that they had mistakenly included the work of Blackadder character, Baldrick, in the achieve release.

The work, entitled ‘The German Guns’ and attributed to Private S.O. Baldrick, was actually written by the sitcom’s writers Richard Curtis and Ben Elton some 70 years after the end of the conflict. Elton was reported to be “delighted at the news” and friends said he was already checking to see if royalty payments may be due.

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Tories call for UK to ‘reposition away from Europe’

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Plan will also make The North more prosperous.

Nearly 100 Tory  MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150  miles North-West into the Atlantic.

“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.” Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, Europe, International News, News, Politics

“Slavery was ace”: Gove on a roll after his re-imagining of WWI

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We hear Gove we picture Delores Umbridge, it’s like an illness. Does anyone know any centaurs?

Having re-imagined the slaughter of World War One as more fun than bubbles, Education Secretary Michael Gove today set his sights on the slave trade complaining that for years “a liberal elite has portrayed slavery in a negative light criticising Britain’s pre-abolition role in it simply because this country played a significant role in it.” Continue reading

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Army running out of mugs

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Philip Hammond has admitted to confusion over the Ministry of Defence’s continual need to refresh its stock of brave idiots.

“What happens is this,” explained Hammond who, when in front of a drab background, has to jump around in order to be seen. “I make loads of soldiers redundant and then, for some reason, I have less soldiers than I need.”Sure, at Oxford I read philosophy and so sums aren’t my strong suit but even allowing for that, I’ll be honest with you, it’s a conundrum”.

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‘Half convicted pickpockets are Romainian’. Modern day Artful Dodger suggests better training

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Recent police figures reported in the Daily Mail have suggested “over half of all convicted tube pickpockets are Romanian” leading to calls for better training.

“There are actually fewer Romanian pickpockets than there are British ones, but they are shit at it and are getting caught more often,” one modern day Artful Dodger told us.

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Edinburgh beached whale: charity 85% sure it’s not Eric Pickles

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A whale-sized creature found washed up on a beach near Edinburgh is probably a sperm whale, and not Eric Pickles as first thought.

An animal welfare charity was called to the beach early this morning by a member of the public concerned the communities minister was piloting a new parking scheme.

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Labour announce plans for ‘teacher MOT’ followed by teacher tax and third party insurance

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Labour’s shadow education secretary Tristram Hunt, has announced a Labour government would reintroduce plans for a ‘teacher MOT’ but also go one step further and make it mandatory for them to also pay for and display a tax disc and hold valid insurance.

“The MOT will take place every 5 years and would look at a teacher’s ability to engage a class, their ability to educate children , and an emissions test” Mr Hunt explained.

“Health and Safety officers have also asked us to check the tread depth of their shoes and make sure levels of caffeine are being kept topped up.

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Channel 5 praised for most secretive Big Brother series ever

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Producers at Channel 5 have been congratulated and thanked by the British public for the most secretive series of Big Brother yet.

The current run, which started just over a week ago, has some of today’s biggest names such as Jim Davidson and Lionel Blair yet has still managed to slip under the radar of even the most discerning youthful telly addicts.

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Today is Red Friday – the day you’re most likely to murder your boss

Bosses Beware

It could be you …

This Friday has been branded by experts as “Red Friday”, as it is statistically the day in the year when your boss is most likely to be murdered by a disgruntled subordinate.

“The Friday of the first working week of the New Year, is well known as a dangerous time for managers,” confirmed Inspector Damion Briggs of the Metropolitan Police’s Bossicide Squad. “We recommend that anyone in a supervisory role considers the necessity of visiting the workplace today. Working from home this Friday may very well save your life.”
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Channel 4 faces viewer backlash over benefits documentary ‘Downing Street’

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At least the residents of Downing Street, whom many viewers have dubbed scum, are kept locked away from the rest of us.

Channel 4 is facing a viewer backlash over its documentary on benefits simply titled ‘Downing Street’. During the show residents of the eponymous street are seen allowing the UK to become the world’s number one haven for dodgy accounting and tax evasion which costs the economy billions a year and saying that in this time of austerity we’re all in this together while they themselves claim tens of thousands of pounds of taxpayers money in the form of MPs expenses despite being multi-millionaires. Continue reading

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Floods latest: MPs accused of ‘sandbagging’

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Eric Pickles does his bit for flood defences.

The Environment Agency is poised to commence a new Government venture today in an effort to protect Britain’s coastlines from further flooding caused by the current storms battering the South West.

It has been feared that budget cuts will have severe impact on the department’s ability to respond to emergencies. However Environment Secretary Owen Patterson has responded to these claims with the announcement that Civil Servants will be used to replace traditional Sea Defences. “Inanimate, deadweight and wet, Civil Servants make the ideal replacement for the sandbags we can no longer afford.” he told the commons yesterday. Continue reading

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