Monthly Archives: July 2015

by | July 7, 2015 · 7:00 am

Holidaying in Greece? Don’t miss this handy Q&A!

greece riot

The cheap flights make it all worth while.

Harold’s very own armchair globe trotter, Elsie Duggan, offers advice to tourists heading to Greece. Just because she hasn’t been somewhere, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an opinion.

Dear Elsie,

I’ve read that people in Greece are suffering real hardship. Can you catch poverty from touching a foreigner? C Clarkson, Harold

Elsie replies: I don’t doubt it. I knew someone once who touched a Hungarian by accident, and now they live in a skip. Take some wet wipes, and remember to rub yourself down with some money.

Dear Elsie,

There have been reports that shops are running out of some essentials. Will I still be able to buy chips? D Evans, Harold

Elsie replies: Bloody soggy things they’ll be no doubt, and not enough of them. And do you know what they have on them? Not gravy or ketchup like nice people. Crab spit. Maureen told me that, she said she read it in the paper.
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by | July 6, 2015 · 8:34 am

Kate and William give Camilla one of baby Charlotte’s used nappies

The Royal Wee?

The Royal Wee?

It’s been quite a week for the Duchess of Cornwall and her growing collection of white accessories. First she was given a used sweatband at Wimbledon by Andy Murray; and yesterday she was given one of little Princess Charlotte’s nappies at her Sandringham christening.

From all accounts, the Duchess has been collecting whites for many years, but this only came to public knowledge last week when the Scottish tennis star threw his sweatband into the Royal Box and a delighted Camilla popped the sweaty item into her handbag. Apparently, the only criteria for items to qualify for her collection are that the items should be white (or white-ish) and to have been used by a notable person.

Prince Charles has been long aware of his wife’s unusual hobby and gave her a set of Queen Victoria’s bloomers as a wedding gift to accompany a pair of underpants of Prince Albert which Camilla has framed above the mantelpiece in her Highgrove House dressing room. Continue reading →

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by | July 5, 2015 · 5:53 am

Russell Brand confirmed as Princess Charlotte’s godfather

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Russell Brand: believes he can cure scrofula by touch

With hours to go until her christening Buckingham Palace has announced that Russell Brand will be Princess Charlotte’s godfather.

“I’m doing this out of pity for someone trapped in a bubble of privilege with no idea how ordinary people live,” said the princess. “I thought it would be a nice gesture. Plus we have something in common in that I don’t even superficially understand the world and just talk gibberish too.” Continue reading →

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by | July 4, 2015 · 5:29 pm

“We’re going to close our eyes and chant la la la”: Fears grow that government’s response to illegal immigrants in Calais is bobbins

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Is Dave staying like this sustainable in the long term?

After putting on his serious face and calling the situation in Calais ‘unacceptable’ David Cameron has now raised fears that the government’s response is bobbins by going to the beach and burying his head in the sand.

“It’s nice and warm in here,” the Prime Minister said in a somewhat muffled statement. “And there’s no need for me to come out. My government has everything under control and our long-term strategy of closing our eyes and chanting ‘la la la’ is far and away the best permanent solution.” Continue reading →

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by | · 1:30 am

Labour to spend weekend practicing deafening silence ahead of Tory budget

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We’ve honestly forgotten who the Shadow Cabinet are. Is it the Wuzzels? We hope it’s the Wuzzels.

The parliamentary Labour Party are spending the next two days on a country retreat working on how they can provide the least opposition to the first Conservative budget since November 1996.

“We hear that George Osborne is going to favour the wealthy on inheritance tax while also cutting billions from welfare,” a Labour insider who gave their name only as Harriet Harman told us. “We don’t like that at all so in response we’ll be sure to…um…well…hoo…” Continue reading →

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by | July 3, 2015 · 6:54 am

Andy Murray regrets giving away racquet: ‘I’m going to need it tomorrow’

murray

Andy Murray, with his trademark look of despair.

Andy Murray felt an immediate pang of regret, after giving away his tennis racquet to one of his 3 million Facebook followers.

“I’ve just realised that I’m going to need it again”, said Murray. “It’s quite important, because it’s what I use to hit the balls.”

Murray spent the afternoon trying to buy it back on ebay, but was shocked at how much it was now ‘worth’.

Current racquet owner Terry Hodges explained why it meant so much to him.

“I’ve always been a Murray fan, I’ve followed his career closely from his amateur days, so to win this was like a dream come true. I’ve set the reserve at £5,000.”
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by | July 2, 2015 · 9:56 am

Humans getting taller and smarter, except for Brian

big shoe

Even Brian’s sandals are thick.

Scientists have confirmed that human beings are becoming taller and more intelligent, with the exception of Harold’s Brian Evans.

“It’s selective evolution”, explained Professor Justine Wurlitzer of Dunstable University. “People are attracted to clever people, who can also put things in those high cupboards you get on aircraft.”

“Whereas Brian is, if anything, getting slightly more stupid with every passing minute. For instance, yesterday he spent an hour trying to lick his elbows.”

The professor carried out a range of experiments to measure cognitive ability, problem solving and if Brian can reach his lunch box if it’s moved to the top shelf in the fridge.
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by | July 1, 2015 · 3:16 pm

Calls to useless morons now free

callcentre

May as well be.

Mobile calls to liars and idiots with an 0800 number are now free, Ofcom has announced.

From today, consumers can listen to the same sentence being read out 14 times by a man in Bangalore called ‘Martin’, ‘Fridge’ or ‘Stevenage’, no matter what question they’ve asked, and all for the princely sum of nothing.

“This is good news for consumers”, said Ofcom’s Shapi Patel. “No that’s not my real name, you’re right; I just use it to sound more diverse.” A freedom of information request later revealed that their real name was Nigel Wilberforce.
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