Monthly Archives: February 2015

by | February 17, 2015 · 3:32 pm

Daily Mail admits to getting a bit excited by Isis

Paul Dacre: sweaty palms

Punishment for sins we all committed in a past life and alleged source of news, the Daily Mail, has admitted that Isis gets them a little bit sweaty.

“It’s the way they keep doing entirely unspeakable things to people and filming it that I find so fascinating,” said editor, Paul Dacre. “We then publish images from those films, with the worst details ever-so-slightly blurred, and harrumph about how evil it is. Then we do it again and again and again. Simples.” Continue reading →

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by | · 8:58 am

Joy as scientists reinvent the penis

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Would anyone else be happier to find a kitten in there?

Local scientists Dr John Goody and Dr Rachel Guest are being hailed as heroes today having successfully reinvented the jumble giblets so they’re now much more pleasing.

“It’s not just the penis,” Dr Guest explained. “Although that took the most time, using DNA manipulation we’ve reinvented the whole collection of objects so they now have greatly improved functionality and a far more pleasing design. No longer will male genitalia look like something you’d hit with your spade or cover up with your bucket out of fear if you found them while rock-pooling at the beach.” Continue reading →

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by | February 16, 2015 · 6:00 pm

Labour promises Ed Miliband an apprenticeship if they win the next election

The moment of realisation

If I can’t see them they can’t see me, right?

“We realise Ed has never run anything more complex than a bath” said a Labour press officer today “so we’re guaranteeing to put him on a day-release scheme to learn the basics. ”

“Assuming UK voters are stupid enough to overlook that he was one our last load of wankers.”

“Like challenging the energy companies when you’re actually in power,  say as an energy minister? Not like last time, when you were err … an energy mister Ed? Like saying ‘Grrr’ to Rupert Murdoch when you’re in Downing Street? Not like the last time, when you had to join a long queue of Labour colleagues to kiss his ring Ed?” asked everyone else.

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by | · 6:30 am

Skunks banned from UK zoos lest they inspire drug use

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“Hungry and homeless, please help”

Theresa May has confirmed this morning that skunks are being kicked out of UK zoos to combat drug use.

“Science has shown that skunk cannabis can have a serious impact on mental health,” said the Home Secretary, as she waved a report that she wouldn’t let anyone else look at properly. “Science! So we’re tackling this problem head on by removing skunks from public view and as a further precaution to address the use of other types of cannabis we’re outlawing corned beef hash plus any vegetarian alternatives bearing the hash name.” Continue reading →

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by | February 15, 2015 · 2:03 pm

Isis leader says end goal is a Caliphate of one

lego-terrorist

We don’t know who created this Lego Islamic extremist but our hat is off to them

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of Isis, has said that his end goal is a global Caliphate consisting of himself.

“Once I’ve excluded/killed women, everyone who’s LGBT, Jews, non-believers, anyone who looks at me funny, Jews again just to make sure, and all those who refuse to acknowledge that Christopher Eccelstone was the best Doctor Who there aren’t many people left,” he said in a statement released today. Continue reading →

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by | · 6:50 am

Boris Johnson to renounce personality in bid to become PM

Boris-ball

Boris acquired his mad throwing skillz hurling food and plates around restaurants during his Buillingdon Club days

Boris Johnson is ditching his buffoonish persona and changing his image from the love child of the late Sir Patrick Moore and a long-haired guinea pig with a brain injury to that of a normalish human being in a bid to become PM.

“Voters will see a huge difference,” the London Mayor told journalists. “I had a lot of fun pretending to be an idiot who couldn’t keep a thought in his head or his dick in his pants but now it’s time to show that I can lead this country.” Continue reading →

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by | February 14, 2015 · 7:45 am

No more benefits for fatties, says Cameron, while fat cats remain his bestest chums

David-Cameron-on-the-beach-at-Polzeath-Cornwall-during-his-family-holiday-2210157

People in fat houses shouldn’t throw lard, Dave.

David Cameron has announced the next step in his war against people who aren’t him by saying that the obese, alcoholics and drug addicts will face benefit sanctions if they don’t get better and get working.

“It is not fair to ask hardworking taxpayers to fund the benefits of people who refuse to accept the support and treatment that could help them get back to a life of work,” the Prime Minister said. “While it’s perfectly fair to force hardworking taxpayers to bail out banks and my friends in the City because massively high-stakes gambling with money that isn’t yours is an addiction that we Tories cherish and support one hundred per cent.” Continue reading →

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by | February 13, 2015 · 9:26 pm

50 Shades of wrong

fifty-shades-grey

Do you mind if I make a sandwich?

With a much-anticipated film about sexy times about to be released in cinemas, the Evening Harold presents a list of phrases to avoid in the bedroom

‘This would be better with swans’

‘Ooh, you make me want to perform a vile sex act’

‘do it, or I will muck you’

‘phew! This is tiring’

‘Now then, now then, guys and gals’

‘Your sister wasn’t this good’

‘I can’t tie knots, so is it OK if I just paralyse you?’
Continue reading →

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by | · 5:55 pm

BBC news: ITV weatherman committed sex offences before he worked for ITV

fredtalbot

An ITV weather forecaster on ITV

BBC news update latest:

Fred Talbot, the former ITV weatherman, has been convicted of historic sex offences, committed when he was a teacher, some time before he worked for ITV as an ITV weatherman. For ITV. Not the BBC.

ITV has yet to comment on the conviction of predatory sex offender Fred something-or-other, who worked  for ITV on the popular ITV morning show  ‘This Morning’ aired daily on ITV at a time when young children might have been watching ITV unsupervised.

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by | · 7:00 am

Call for the Hulk to be played by non-green actor

white_hulk

No more mister green guy

Following suggestions that the next Spider-Man should be played by a black actor, popular demand is growing for Marvel to break another tradition and finally allow the Hulk to be played by a non-green performer.

The Hulk has always been depicted as green in movies, the TV show and the original comics, but that may change in the new era of superhero correctness.

“Surely it’s time to bring the Hulk into the 21st century and admit that the colour of his skin is irrelevant,” insisted Albert Renfrew from the National Association for the Advancement of White People. “The Hulk is a great character, we love him, but we think he could just as well be a ‘person of white’.”

“Here in the NAAWP we have nothing against greens, but they are already hugely over-represented in the film industry. Just look at the Muppet movies.” Continue reading →

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by | February 12, 2015 · 2:35 pm

Iain Duncan Smith adds ‘f*ck it, have the company’ clause to employment plans

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Iain Duncan Smith has finally lost the plot this week and added a ‘f*ck it, have the company’ clause to his policy of giving away houses to people that stay in work for a year.

The clause will see anyone that remains in employment for one year get a house and full ownership the company that employed them.
Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Virgin Media win rights to Premier League bowel movements

money roll

Rooney is on a roll.

Sir Richard Branson has stolen a lead on media rivals, after securing exclusive rights to the footballers’ leavings.

“Laying a cable is something our firm was founded on”, said Branson. “We promise our viewers they’ll see every juddering headshaker, every sweating push, and all in slow motions.”

With watching actual football now deemed way beyond even a billionaire’s pockets, Branson admitted he himself could no longer afford to watch The Beautiful Game.

“Rather than settle for rights to the likes of Hartlepool United or any of the other ‘bottom’ clubs, we’ve thought ‘outside the box’and secured exclusive footage straight from the tunnel.”
Continue reading →

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by | February 11, 2015 · 1:29 pm

UKIP defend bus shaped like giant penis

ukipbusUKIP have defended their decision to launch an election campaign using a bus shaped like a giant male organ.

The bus, a 45-foot long purple monster complete with helmet and sagging scrotal sack, was launched at a rally in Clacton, and attracted even greater than usual derision on social media.

Elsie Renfrew, 42, almost fainted at the sight of the bus looming down on her in the high street.

“How they thought that could help them win votes is a mystery,” she told journalists. “It was horrible, that giant sickly bell-end leering up at me. I told him, Mr Farage, your bus is rubbish.”

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by | · 11:00 am

Deep fried mars bars aren’t bad for you after all, say experts

"My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39"

“My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39”

Warnings that the legendary Scottish delicacy, the deep fried mars bar, was unhealthy were based on flawed evidence and should not have been issued, scientists have said.

An article in the BMJ’s Open Heart journal asserts that advice adopted by authorities in the 1980s was politically motivated and was aimed at stamping out ethnic foods at a time when Scottish nationalism was on the rise.

Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Police seek details of Evening Harold readers

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Off to kick down the door of an elderly church warden who subscribes to Private Eye

PC Flegg has been going around the village taking the details of our readers. Haroldites are being asked to provide her with their names and addresses and information such as whether or not they’ve got a copy of Charlie Hebdo in the house and if they’ve ever watched Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe.

“Counter terrorism!” PC Flegg yelled when we cautiously approached her. “Following recent incidents I’m assessing community tensions and providing reassurance.” Continue reading →

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by | February 10, 2015 · 6:00 pm

PM dismisses Cluedo finding: “It was Reverend Green! In the Larder. With the tax-avoiders”

Fall crucifix, fall!

preaching about the love of money on Sundays and Monday to Friday

David Cameron has defended former Trade Minister Lord Green, who’s behaviour as a boss at ‘The world’s local money laundry’ has been criticised simply because HSBC as a whole were a bunch of corporate chumps.

“Look, Stephen Green only came aboard after a full integrity-vetting from Andy [Coulson]. Then I gave him a fancy title, so he didn’t have to go through all that tiresome ‘being elected’ nonsense. And a job helping businesses to earn money we didn’t have because his previous company helped people to hide money from HMRC. Do I mean HMRC? Or is that HSBC? Oh well.”

The Prime Minister went on “Thieving bastards? No, not at all. And thieving is such a subjective term don’t you think?.”

Continue reading →

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by | · 2:00 pm

Poverty to be limited to the poor, pledges Osborne.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading →

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by | · 11:34 am

Wife runs off with ‘listening’ TV

tv_woman

“Sometimes I turn it on”

A housewife from the village of Harold has eloped with the family’s new ‘listening’ Samsung TV, claiming it pays far more attention to her than her husband ever did.

In an interview with the Radio Times, Elsie Renfrew, 42, explained that she  had spent twenty years being ignored by husband Roger, and that the couple had in fact last exchanged greetings in 1997.

“Then we got this new Samsung telly,” she told journalists, “And suddenly I knew something was actually listening to me at long last – for once, something actually cared.”

The television, a FH6200 Series with 60″ screen (diagonal), features voice recognition for channel selection, volume control and wistful confidences about what you could have been if only you’d married someone with a bit more life to them. Continue reading →

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by | · 2:23 am

CIA admit they made cats up to keep everyone docile

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Harold’s Mister Superpaws. He’s not real, the cake is a lie, and Soylent Green is people.

There was shock around the world this morning when John O’Brennan, Director of the CIA, admitted that his organisation made cats up to keep people distracted and compliant.

“Aw shucks, y’got us,” he confessed. “When the internet started we at the CIA quickly realised that it could become a global tool for unrestricted communication, uncensored ideas and free trade so naturally we put together a plan of action to combat that and so the cat was born.” Continue reading →

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by | February 9, 2015 · 1:17 pm

Labour to delay publishing manifesto until after General Election to focus on saving the NHS

One of Labour's controversial new posters

One of Labour’s controversial new posters

Faced with increasing internal pressure to come up with fresh policy ideas, Labour Party strategists have come up with what they describe as a ‘sure fire election winner’ by postponing the publication of their election manifesto until after the General Election.

In interviews over the next few days, leaders will deny accusations that this is due to a dearth of policies by regurgitating their new set of NHS saving mantras which they have spent the last six months working on.

According to an insider at Labour HQ, Ed Miliband feels that working on a lengthy manifesto, which will only provide ammunition to opponents and is never read by the electorate, is a waste of time and resources. The thinking is that Labour can get their message across far more convincingly with sound bites and random promises to throw money at target voters. Continue reading →

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