Monthly Archives: April 2014

by | April 16, 2014 · 10:00 am

‘Beef costs more than horse’ Tesco tell shareholders as profits fall

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Tesco have this morning announced a 6% fall in annual profits. They have explained to shareholders that the only reason for the fall is they have spent the last 12 months using the actual ingredients printed on packets.

“A year on from ‘lasagne-gate’ we are now required to use real beef in beef products, not the latest casualty of the 3:15 at Ascot,” said Philip Clarke, Tesco PLC’s Chief Executive.

“But that’s not all. Customers expectation are much higher than in previous years so all of our range has become more truthful, and that costs money. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Surgeon who branded initials into a patient’s liver hailed as ‘new Banksy’

A surgeon who secretly branded his initials into patients’ livers during operations has been hailed by the art establishment as ‘an exciting new talent to rival Banksy’.

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Vital artwork now showing at an in-patient ward near you

Simon Bramhall, who works at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham, was suspended before Christmas following the allegation that he had marked a patient, but defended himself saying his work was ‘an ironic commentary on the state of Coalition Britain and its place in a changing world.”
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by | April 15, 2014 · 5:40 pm

No.10 worried as Nigel Farage proves fitness for government by fiddling expenses

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Or did he? Does this face say honesty and trust to you? We’re not sure.

There is consternation inside Number 10 today as Nigel Farage has finally proved his fitness to play a top flight role in British politics by fiddling his expenses (allegedly) and then adamantly denying that he’s done anything wrong. Continue reading →

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by | · 3:08 pm

Review: ‘Oranges are not the only fruit’ focuses too much on horticulture

Mariella Buss-Stop

Mariella Buss-Stop

Mariella Buss-Stop reviews the Harold Player’s latest theatre production.

The latest production by the Harold players left an unpleasant taste in my mouth, and not just because I’m citrus intolerant.

Expecting a plodding yet faithful interpretation of Jeanette Winterson’s lesbian coming-of-age classic, I wasn’t prepared for quite such a long-winded and frankly angry diatribe on the taxonomy of vegetables.

The lead actress, made a good fist of being a lesbian, although it could be argued the dungarees were something of a tired stereotype. Smeared in mud (perhaps a metaphor for foul Pentecostal intolerance) and carrying a pig under her arm, the show opens with her silently getting her lettuce out.
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by | · 11:00 am

Global warming blamed for Britain’s clean beaches

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Worryingly clean: Families fear they may soon enjoy UK holidays

A shocking rise in the number of UK beaches that have become ‘clean enough to holiday on’ is being blamed on man-made global warming.

With dryer, warmer summers leading to less run-off into coastal areas, some families fear they could soon find themselves vacationing in Rhyl.

“It’s a vicious circle”, complained David Evans, occasional holidayer and amateur climatologist. “Our carbon emissions seem to be causing ever more barbecues on the beach. I don’t want to alarm you unnecessarily, but I’ve drawn a graph to show the trend. By 2020, even Blackpool could be largely turd-free.”
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by | · 7:00 am

New Cadbury’s creme eggs only visible through microscope

Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.

Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.

The ongoing reduction in size of Cadbury’s creme eggs has resulted in the 2015 version no longer being visible to the naked eye, and yet they are still more expensive than when they used to be massive.

“The Cadbury’s creme egg is an iconic chocolate snack, ostensibly released only for a limited period around Easter but actually available all year round apart from one day in October, when it is removed because it is ‘out of season’.” said Lorraine Robinson, Professor of Disappointing Confectionery at the University of Exeter. Continue reading →

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by | April 14, 2014 · 7:09 pm

Mumsnet attacked by Heartbleed Bug: data-thieves suffering after being exposed to so much bile

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He just wanted credit card details not a 250-page debate on Katie Hopkins

In a cyber-crime first desperate data-thieves are trying to give back the information they’ve stolen. Using the Heartbleed bug a small gang attacked Mumsnet and have been left in tatters by what they saw.

“I’m not a bad person,” said a hacker who would only give their name as X. “All I wanted to do was steal people’s personal information and use it for financial gain I shouldn’t have to be exposed to…to…to that.” Continue reading →

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by | · 1:14 pm

History: Henry VIII was a brickie and did Charles II start the Great Fire of London?

HentyPainstaking research by Harold don, Professor Bethany Russell, has revealed that Henry VIII, famous for having six wives, was also a first class bricklayer who played an active part in the building of many of the great palaces attributed to him.

According to recently discovered papers, there was nothing he liked better after a hard day conducting the affairs of state, than to spend a couple of hours working on the intricate brick tracery of Hampton Court Palace with a trowel in his hand.

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by | · 11:00 am

Now Osborne complains: “Evans asked for a Hand Out”

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“You’re kidding!” Evans sees his lawyer’s invoice

Nigel Evans will not re-apply for the Conservative whip until he knows if his recent defence costs will be met by the CPS, say friends.

“Obviously, as a Tory, I’d  be opposed to any increase in state funding, especially for defending alleged criminals” said the former Conservative MP.

“However, just as obviously, as a flesh and blood human being, I feel very hard-done-by and frankly, to quote my bank manager, ‘completely skint’”. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

We don’t want to worry you but…

Dave’s on an awkwardly posing holiday.

Britain's prime minister, David Cameron, and his wife, Samantha, stop for a drink on Lanzarote

 

 

 

 

 

Which means this chap’s in charge: Continue reading →

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by | April 13, 2014 · 5:00 pm

‘No cure’ for addiction to cold turkey

Connor Harris seen leaving the doctor’s surgery today.

You are what you eat.  This is Connor Harris.

Harold GP Dr Evans has warned that no cure may ever be found for a patient’s addiction to cold turkey.

Fifteen-year-old local lad Connor Harris was already obese due a junk-food obsession. But his life took a dramatic turn when he started ‘experimenting’ with cold turkey late on Christmas Day. By Boxing Day, his addiction was cemented.

“There was certainly an element of social pressure that fateful evening,” said Dr Evans, “but it was mainly down to his personal desire to consume a savoury snack at precisely the moment his mum handed him a plate of cold turkey.”

“Personally, I’ve had enough turkey for one year after cooking the basted thing,” said Connor’s mum Ange Harris, “but, as Dr Evans has explained, it depends on whether the individual carries the cold turkey addiction gene.”

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by | · 7:00 am

Running the London Marathon? Villagers from Harold give you their tips for completing the jog.

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This year will again see villagers from Harold travelling to the capital city to take part in this year’s London Marathon. The course, which is 26 miles and 385 yards (or 36.232 Hectares in European), is a leisurely jog through the streets of the city going past many famous landmarks such as Tower Bridge, the Bullring shopping centre and the SS Great Britain.

Here at the Evening Harold we admire those that take part in the jog, but as most of us were the last to be picked in any sport at school due to our impressively consistent lack of any fitness, we would rather stay in bed watching childrens’ cartoons.
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by | April 12, 2014 · 3:00 pm

Local school regrets sending children home with ‘Clandestine Affair Bear’

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Could you love a little bear? No, not like that

St Mary’s Primary School’s ‘Billy the Bear’ will no longer be taken home each weekend by one of the children. Following some unusually candid electronic diary entries by the popular cuddly toy, Harold Headteacher Alison Lee has reluctantly put the cuffs on little Billy until further notice.

“We’re a broad church here at St Mary’s but we’ve grounded Billy until he gets some intensive remedial education. We are also worried about a possible identity crisis, because he always logs in as ‘Janice’. Ms Lee highlighted several recent ‘Billy’s Diary’ entries that caused concern, including:

‘Siobhan’s mum is a liar. I went in a helicopter did I? Bollocks. She put me in the recycling bin twice and then vomited on my fur. I’d report her to social services, but they never take bears seriously. Especially toy ones.’ Continue reading →

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by | · 8:00 am

Children ‘asked to bring in bricks for school renovations’

Following cuts to school budgets, many parents are being asked to make voluntary contributions to building materials needed for urgent school renovation work, a survey says.

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For fuck’s sake, get me a wheelbarrow over here!

The Association of Teachers and Lecturers survey of 500 staff members in schools found 46% of parents were asked to bring in bricks or breezeblocks, with a futher 15% required to contribute cement, concrete or waterproof grouting.

Department for Education guidance says: “Nothing in legislation prevents a school governing body or local authority from asking for voluntary contributions for the benefit of the school or any school activities, especially a nice bit or tarmac for that dodgy carpark or some scaffolding if you don’t mind.”

It adds: “When making requests for voluntary contributions, parents must not be made to feel pressurised into paying as it is voluntary and not compulsory. However, children who do not contribute to building work may be required to sit outside in the rain, the tight-arsed little bastards.” Continue reading →

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by | April 11, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Translator wins Chinese contract, joy radiance abounds

A happy, long man is upwording for China, in a moneybelt stuffer to glory.

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Unenglishing backwards can also be attend.

Malcolm ‘Translator’ Evans, clear minded and winsome, will do english from the stuff China are pouting.

“Its been a mind tapper for some period of doubt in my wallet”, beamed Evans, taller now and communistically handsome. “I word to the wise, harsh wood softly poken. Never capitals, you bellowing prannet.”
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by | · 11:00 am

Doctors who made lab-grown vagina ‘haven’t been home for three months’

A team of doctors in the USA who have successfully grown the first artificial vagina have been working so hard that none of them has left their laboratory for the last three months, it was revealed today.

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And so portable!

Doctors at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Centre in North Carolina used pioneering technology to build a biodegradable scaffold onto which human cells attached before being grown in a bioreactor, producing a perfect replica of the human vagina.

The pioneering team in charge of this exciting work finally emerged from their laboratory complex this morning, pale and haggard from lack of sleep, some bent double almost unable to walk, such has been their dedication to this important work. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Don’t blame Me for your mess, Dave: Jesus denies all involvement in Cameron’s Big Society

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A younger, bearded David Cameron standing up to the bankers. Or it’s Jesus being tremendous, we forget which.

In a speech that had many wondering if it was somehow still April 1st David Cameron claimed that he is doing the Lord’s work. Something which Jesus strenuously denies.

In his speech Cameron said: “Jesus invented the Big Society 2,000 years ago. I just want to see more of it.” Continue reading →

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by | April 10, 2014 · 3:35 pm

Nigel Evans dropped by Tory party for not being involved in sleaze

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Nigel Evans MP looks set to be dropped by the Conservatives for bringing the party into disrepute after being found not guilty of several sexual offences.

“We have a code of conduct in the party that MPs must follow,” Grant Shapps explained.

“That code makes it clear that sleaze allegations of sexual impropriety must be followed by a denial with their partner in front of their house, then an admission of guilt, a half-arsed apology and resignation in shame.
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by | · 2:34 pm

No man can win Masterchef while new ‘washing up round’ remains

Male Masterchef contestants have complained that they ‘have no way of winning’ following new rules that mean they have to leave the kitchen tidy.

While soufflés and reductions hold no fear for men in the tea-cooking contest, wiping a damp cloth around the worktops afterwards is more than many can manage.

Hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode have winced at the attempts by some men to clean up after themselves. They fear that just the thought of having to leave the place spotless will make many contestants ‘dumb down’ their menus to avoid mess.

Extracts from last night’s show seem to support this.

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Fisher (voiceover): Ricky has made his signature dish of cooled-over beans served in a tin cylinder. His workstation remains spotless.
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by | · 11:01 am

“Thanks for calling Samaritans. Press 1 for ‘I’m a bit sad …'”

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We did find the ‘Samaritans’ logo but  we really like them and couldn’t resist the irony of: ‘Tesco, Charity & Trust’

A recent Government announcement means a big shake up  for all UK charities. “As a Conservative I detest the public sector as an article of faith but I loathe ‘something for nothing’ even more.” says charities minister Nick Hurd “So we’re nationalising bigger charities, before selling them on to friends, and generally buggering about with the rest. Sorry? Because we can, that’s why.”

Sadly, not all charities are easily monetised and Hurd cites Samaritans as the worst offender in this respect. “It’s almost as if the last thirty years of management analysis had simply passed them by. Basically they’re still just talking with people, which is plain daft and very labour-intensive”. Continue reading →

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