Tag Archives: satire

Personal debt: Mark Carney warns public not to spend Brexit Bus £millions

mark-carneyhmm

Carney struggles to make himself clear to morons

Mark Carney has warned the UK to curb it’s credit card use, because any Brexit windfall will go to the Treasury, not direct to morons.

Borderline simpleton and pub bore, Alec Fairchild, dismissed Carney’s fears, however. “I’d rather take Boris Johnson’s word over that of a Canadian immigrant.”

“And don’t get me started again about the ‘£350 million for the NHS’ on the side of a bus.” he insisted “Us leavers aren’t stupid. We all knew that wasn’t true and Boris has admitted it. But, if the £350 million isn’t going to the NHS … it must be going somewhere else.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, idiots, News

Government may consider radical “brief-case technology” for carrying sensitive documents

downingstreetpapers

Most of them have doodles of Gove on a gallows on the cover

Another secret document has been photograhed being carried along Downing Street. “To be honest, this one’s got us stumped.” said a senior official “Short of putting papers in our pockets, we’re powerless.”

Now though, Harold inventor Dr Rachel Guest has come up with a novel solution which she hopes will be considered by Ministers.

“Desperate times, desperate measures.” says Dr Guest, who’s worked on the problem for two years. “Theresa May says it’s foolish to reveal her strategy to EU negotiators, but that approach could be undermined if any of them have a camera and know how to get to Downing Street.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

UKIP members shocked to find Paul Nuttall is a scouser

nuttall

“this chap sounds like a footballer”

Thousands of horrified UKIP members only found out today, as they listened to Paul Nuttall gave his acceptance speech, that they’d voted for a scouser.

“My god, I thought he’d be another Nigel.” said Alec Fairchild, a UKIP member and pub bore from Harold. “Well-off, private school, a commodity broker in the city. But this chap sounded like a football player; or someone in a Channel 5 documentary about benefit cheats.”

“We’d already had a filly, for a couple of weeks,” explained Fairchild, warming to his task, Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

RAF parcel bombing will deliver “authentic Black Friday experience”

lancaster

“Sorry you were out”

The RAF will be delivering all Harold’s on-line Black Friday orders in just one big drop on Monday morning; from 10,000 feet.

Villagers wanting the full Black Friday experience, but too lazy to go all the way to the metropolis that is Dunstable, will still get one by packing into Harold Thursday’s 5-a-side pitch like sardines, and then having a shower of broken tat dropped on their heads.

“We’d hoped to get low level runs along the River Gluggle by the Battle of Britain Memorial flight.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Autumn Statement build-up “ruined” by reporter standing outside No.10 Downing Street

giles-dilnot

Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!

The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.

Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.

“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Economy, News, Politics

Blair to take political centre-ground: will probably bomb it

Sociopathe will be especially welcome

“a face built for a wicker man”

Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.

The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.

We’re not making this shit up,  Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Tony Blair, War

Russia credits “clear air superiority over hospitals” for recent victories

su34

Hospital porters are no match for this puppy

Sergey Lavrov says Russia now has the upper hand in its fight against international aid workers in Aleppo.

“Frankly, Médecins Sans Frontières just didn’t turn up for the last one – it’s as if they know their un-sterilised scalpels are no match for our Su-34 strike aircraft.”

They’re ‘big men’ in their fancy operating theatres but not so high and mighty when 327 Squadron with Hospital-Buster ordnance turns that cosy scene into a theatre of war. Hah, pussies!” Continue reading

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Filed under News, War

Farron denies dozing at the controls

farron_t

Farron briefly wakes up, half way through one of his own speeches

Footage appearing to show a politician nodding off at the controls of a political party is being “urgently investigated”.

The clip, apparently captured on a mobile phone in November, was sent to the Sun ‘newspaper’. It had been recorded about eighteen months from the derailment of his predecessor’s career.

In the 30-second clip, the leader – who is not the other dozy one who was involved in the last electoral disaster – appears to drift in and out of sleep as his party trundles along towards total destruction.

He is seen apparently struggling to remain upright, and members of the public can be heard expressing shock, or asking ‘who the hell is that?’ as the party approaches the awful possibility of a snap 2017 election.

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‘Fucknugget’ declared word of the year in honour of Brexit and Trump voters

oxford_english_dictionary

It comes just after “f*ck”

Oxford Dictionaries have declared ‘fucknugget’ as its 2016 international word of the year, reflecting what it called a year of “unbelievable levels of fucknuggetry”.

The word is described as an adjective relating to people unable to comprehend even the most basic of obvious consequences, despite regular warnings being explained very slowly to them, or written in large letters, in crayon.

Continue reading

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Filed under idiots, News

Trump to be given toy nuclear button to play with

“You’re fired!”

Donald Trump is to be given a special “training” red button when he takes office in the White House, insiders revealed today.

 

A spokesman revealed that there were fears that the incoming President might not fully realise the seriousness of the nuclear launch system, and therefore plans have been put in place to give him a toy red button to play with until he learns that pressing it is a bad thing.

“He’s been demanding a red button all day, saying he’s in charge now and we can’t stop him,’ admitted one insider. “So we’ve started him off with a nice bright plastic one with a teddy bear head on the top.”

“He’s been hammering the crap out of that button all day, shouting ‘You’re fired!’ over and over and over…”

Continue reading

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Filed under bombs, Showbusiness, US Elections

America pretty sure it got drunk and did something stupid last night

Down the toilet

The American public has woken up with the bastard hangover from hell, and is pretty sure it did something badly wrong yesterday.

Emerging shakily from the nation’s bathrooms into a world that seems nauseatingly harsh and unfriendly, Americans are trying to shake off the nagging suspicion that something they did was really really stupid and is bound to have been noticed by other peoples.

“When I woke up, I had my face down the toilet, which I can’t help suspecting is a metaphor for something,” explained George Zip from Ohio.

“I had all the classic signs – feelings of shame, a throbbing head, shame.”

“Did I say ‘shame’? Oh God, the shame!”

“I staggered outside, and had that real strange feeling that people were looking at me funny – women, black, Hispanic people, all looking at my like I’d done some really really dumb thing.”

Continue reading

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Filed under News, US Elections

“Thank f*ck that’s over.” says a weary UK “Can we go back to Syria and refugees now?”

clinton_trump_

Aggghhhhhh. Enough already. SHUT UP!

Wearied by the spewings of a malevolent, sulky troll over the past month, the UK has rediscovered its interest in Syria and migrants drowning in the Mediterranean.

“I got emotionally dulled by pictures of children covered in blood and dust.” says Harold’s Carly Jeffery “So in October, the prospect of a 24×7 reality show about an orange sociopath with anger issues Continue reading

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Filed under News, US Elections

Jacob Rees-Mogg “Yes, I do know more than the High Court about the law, actually.”

rees-mogg4

Jacob. You can make up your own caption

Embodiment of arguments against wealth, privilege, and inbreeding, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, says that Eton, Oxford, and a few years juggling other people’s money means he knows more than High Court Judges do about constitutional law.

Rather than spending hours in court, carefully listening to legal argument, fierce brexiter Rees-Mogg spent hours in TV studios, waiting to spout nonsense as soon as the High Court decision on triggering Article 50 was announced. So it was no surprise that he was at Sky News, already wearing his make-up, when it was. Continue reading

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Protest against Orgreave enquiry decision charged down by mounted police

orgreave

Brave PC defends himself against a woman armed with beads

A group protesting Amber Rudd’s decision against an Orgreave enquiry has been flattened by a mounted troop of baton-swinging police officers.

Today’s retro cavalry-charge was “a limited, proportionate response and rather nostalgic,” a South Yorkshire Police spokeswoman explained, adding “anyway one of them looked a bit like Arthur Scargill, so they were asking for it. Continue reading

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Filed under Civil rights, News, Police, Politics

“Hunt denies NHS funding deception as he hires Derren Brown”

hunt

Now we’re going to play with this Emperor’s new ball here

“There’s no sleight of hand involved,” insisted the walking definition of ‘it’s who you know’ this morning. “But there is Derren’s trademark blend of magic, misdirection, psychology and showmanship.”

“Using it I’ve already convinced myself that I’m doing a brilliant job and that as a failed marmalade exporter I definitely know more about medicine than so-called experts. Sorry? No, nothing at all about marmalade, Continue reading

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Boris’ opposition to Heathrow was just “an academic exercise, exploring its many benefits”

boris-digger

Remember? Boris said he’d be driving one of these

“When people thought I was against it, I was running for Mayor of London but now I’m Top Kiddie at the FO and planning to stay.” Boris Johnson bumbled today, describing how his perceived opposition to a third Heathrow runway was merely him exploring its benefits for himself.

Johnson explained that protesters must, in some strange way, have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, whilst he was in fact just convincing himself how weak their argument was. “I didn’t expect anyone to think I was expressing a genuine belief though, because I don’t have any.”

“Yes I did say that I’d lie down in front of the bulldozers” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Transport

Labour’s Stone pays the price for standing behind Ed Miliband

edandstone2

The Stone had to be clamped in place , after twice running away

Grey, dull and seemingly hewn from the solid, Labour’s massive election cock-up, Ed Miliband has cost his Party’s election Stone dearly.

In the wake of the Electoral Commission’s £20,000 fine, Labour’s Stone has spoken for the first time about its 2015 election humiliation.

“My role was to be in the background, a solid, yet effectively blank canvass, against which party policies might be clearly outlined by a human.” Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, Labour, News, Politics

Prisons reform on hold to see if prison deaths can reduce recividism

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Liz Truss. We’ll leave you to think of your own caption

Liz Truss is waiting to see if a 27% increase in prisoner self-harm can be translated into actual deaths, before starting on reforms planned by her hapless, pasty-faced predescessor, Michael Gove.

“Signs are encouraging but one swallow of bleach doesn’t make a summer.” Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News

Theresa May’s 1am speech “well received” by waiters and cleaning staff

may5

“I’m in Room 264. What’s your policy on withdrawal?”

For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.

After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading

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Filed under Europe, News

Trump won’t commit to accept gravity

trump1

Trump is on the lookout for floating voters

During the third televised presidential debate, the United States’ most popular orange wig-stand, Donald Trump, has refused to commit to accept gravity.

“I have a tremendous plan to make America float again.” said Trump last night. “Crooked Hillary’s ‘universal laws’ have held this country down for far too long. Believe me, it’s gonna be so great….”

When pressed by the moderator to confirm his acceptance of gravity, Trump declined Continue reading

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Filed under News, US Elections