Tag Archives: satire

Plane crash almost forces Royal wedding off BBC news’ top-spot

“Aww… aren’t they lovely though?”

A hundred deaths in a Havana air crash came close to nudging the Royal wedding off the top spot on BBC news today.

“There were no Meghan Markle relatives on board,” explained the BBC’s Huw Edwards from Windsor Castle “which is the frankly unusual element of the story we used to justify covering it.”

Survivors were spoken to in hospital by the BBC Cuba correspondent, Will Grant, who asked which part of the Royal wedding they’d most been looking forward to and how they felt about Continue reading

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Filed under Royals

Grayling will ‘take back control’ of East Coast Rail two years after referendum

Characteristically sincere smile

Chris Grayling says 24th June is a symbolic date to take over East Coast Rail and celebrate the anniversary of the EU referendum.

“During the referendum, we promised to start taking back control on 24th June and this is me delivering on that pledge” said Grayling adding, with characteristic sincerity, “I think you’ll agree we didn’t say which year. Or what we’d be taking control of.”

Mr Grayling has drawn on his experience as Justice Minister, where he developed the principles of selling off utilities for private profit. “The naysayers said it wouldn’t work but I’m not stupid.” he chuckled “The contracts allowed the government to bail out any contracts that ran into trouble. So it actually worked very well.”

“My work for … err with G4S and the tagging schemes taught me what I needed to know about bailing out railway companies and I can guarantee as soon as this railway thing is back into profit I’ll get those contracts out to tender again. That’s one in the eye for the EU, eh?”

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Filed under EU referendum, News, Transport

Iain Duncan Smith: 270 breast-screening early deaths ‘chicken feed’

IDS laughs off a mere 270 early deaths as ‘chicken feed’

Former Tory party leader and well-known sociopath Iain Duncan Smith has laughed off as ‘chicken feed’ the two hundred and seventy NHS breast-screening patients whose lives may have been shortened by the incompetence of Jeremy Hunt.

“Two hundred and seventy? Over years, are you taking the piss?” chuckled IDS “When I was Head Honcho at DWP we’d hoover up that many before coffee and custard creams each morning, or I’d have my civil servants’ bollocks Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News, NHS

Amber Rudd’s resigns to spend more time on her apologising

Happier times. Rudd actually holding on to her brief

Amber Rudd has resigned to focus on apologising for her performance as Home Secretary.

“Being Home Secretary and apologising for being useless at it are both full time roles.” said Rudd last night “I chose the apologising one, although to be honest I’m not very good at that, either. Sorry.”

Rudd hopes Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Amber Rudd explains her cock-ups ‘I’ve no idea what I’m doing’

Not a clue “Hope that helps.”

Mobile catastrophe Amber Rudd says the reason her ministry is such a mess is that she hasn’t got a clue how it works. “Hope that helps.” she told the House of Commons this morning.

Ms Rudd was addressing the House in order to correct an impression she may have inadvertently given a select committee yesterday i.e. that she’s on top of her ministerial brief.

“After watching TV coverage of my evidence to the committee last night, I had a bit of a panic Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Amber Rudd confirms royal baby will be deported as immigrant family doesn’t have the right paperwork

“How will we support three children when neither of has a job?” Wonders Kate

The Home Secretary, Amber Rudd says that just as soon as the new royal baby is named he will be deported. Despite being asked repeatedly, none of the Windsor family has come up with any pay slips for over 92 years and now, it seems, Ms Rudd has had enough.

“Time and time again we’ve asked the Windsors to prove they entered the UK legally, and have been working and paying their taxes Continue reading

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Millionaire egotist crashes NHS, then lectures social media on morality

It’s    all    someone    else’s    fault

A multi-millionaire with no moral compass or sense of irony has given social media companies a damn good talking to about their social responsibilities.

Destroyer-of-worlds, Health and Social Care Secretary Jeremy Hunt, chose not to fund children’s mental health services properly, freeing him up to look elsewhere to explain the mismatch between Continue reading

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Filed under News, NHS, Social media

PM sorry if her Blacks Go Home policy was ‘somehow misunderstood’

‘Get out, get out, get out! How about a trade deal?

Theresa May has apologised to the heads of Caribbean countries because, for some weird reason, Home Office officials have implemented the policies of the last Home Secretary.

Mrs May was speaking at a meeting she’d been unable to squeeze into her schedule before an unfavourable Daily Mail editorial. “Let me be completely clear about this” began the PM, prompting officials to shuffle their feet and Amber Rudd to start up a dry-ice machine Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News

May ‘within her rights to do a poo on Corbyn’s head’

“This long”

Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.

“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Chilcot Report, Civil rights, Defence, Farming, Lifestyle, Politics

After years of missed NHS standards, Jeremy Hunt is referred to parliamentary standards commissioner for not filling in a form

I’m a liar. I know it, you know it, you know that I know it. Fuck only knows how I get away with it, it’s a mystery.

Serial bungler Jeremy Hunt is finally being called to account by parliament. For his form-filling skills though, oddly enough.

Not for crashing the NHS into a wall, then backing up a hundred yards and having another go, then backing up a hundred yards and – well you probably get the picture.

“Compared to the ongoing NHS car-crash, even his marmalade work was brilliant. And that was a fucking disaster.” said a philosophical Harold woman, unlucky enough to have fallen seriously ill in March, who is still in the waiting room at Dunstable Royal Infirmary.

“I’ve bought a raffle ticket for a trolley berth and hope to get a corridor spot by the summer. Fingers crossed!”

“It’s good to know that Mr Hunt’s form-filling is coming under scrutiny though. It’s important that politicians know they can’t get away with being incompetent liars.”

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Filed under News, NHS, Politics

Police cuts aren’t linked to rising crime so Amber Rudd gives up her own security officers

“The less I know, the better I like it. Don’t bother me with facts.”

“I was sitting at my desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut as usual, when I had an epiphany” said the Home Secretary today. “Like when I decided to have rich parents, it was a no-brainer. With no link between police numbers and crime it didn’t make sense for me to have armed officers ‘protecting me’ 24/7, so I asked Cressida Dick to move them to other duties. The Downing Street coppers are going next week and traffic police by the end of June.”

Rudd has a no-nonsense approach to work, born out of her down-with-the-kids schooling at Cheltenham Ladies’ College. Although she went on to read History at University, Rudd believes learning from the experience of others is futile. “No, I much prefer to learn from my own foolish Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, Police

Pardew says he ‘would consider’ underperforming with another new club

What are your chances of managerial success, Alan?

Perennial managerial failure and Babel Fish in human form, Alan Pardew, believes his work with West Bromwich Albion is complete, so he’s prepared to think about sending another team plummeting into the Championship next season.

“I’ve done all that I can to ensure the Baggies go down so, with nothing left to do here it’s time I moved on to find another club looking to get into the Championship.”

“Admittedly most of those clubs will be in League One at the moment but I’ve always approached things from another perspective. My dream is to take a Premier League club all the way to League Two but very few clubs have the vision to see that through”

“I’m looking for a team, battered by their current useless manager and thus with low expectations.” said Pardew “So it’s either West Ham or, if they still remember me from the last time I was there, it’ll have to be Everton.”

“Have I been there yet?”

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Airwick launches Airwick Skunk, to give ‘calming ambience’ for pet owners

“I at first replied, when a loving flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes”

Following successful trials of its various pet-calming vapours, Airwick has launched ‘Airwick Skunk’, which provides a broadly similar, soporific effect for the pets’ owners.

“You’re my best mate, man.” insisted Harold stoner Adam Cassidy yesterday, before adding “No, really. Are these your chips, can we order a pizza?”

The calming effect of Lavender, Jasmine, Cinnamon and Rosemary are already well-established in the Mumsnet, Yoga and Pilates communities but a good toke on some serious weed has often been overlooked in recent years, not least Continue reading

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Information Commissioner to launch surprise raid at Cambridge Analytica ‘by the weekend’, to forestall any evidence tampering

We believe in transparency. See this box?

The UK’s Information Commissioner is to apply for a warrant “pretty darned soon”, so her team can search Cambridge Analytica’s offices before staff there even suspect they’re coming.

“Secrecy here is the key,” said Commissioner Elizabeth Denham, speaking live on BBC, Sky and ITV throughout the day “so I’m trusting you to keep this under wraps Continue reading

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Filed under Technology, US Elections

PM: Conservative land-banking policy is ‘completely different’ from Labour land-banking policy

“I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.” [did I say that out loud?]

Theresa May has confirmed that her government’s innovative plan to force property developers to develop property is nothing like Labour’s discredited socialist plan to force property developers to develop property.

“Nothing has changed, nothing has changed.” insisted the PM, before being re-booted by her adviser.

“Labour’s ridiculous out-of-touch plans, which we cut and pasted into our strategy document yesterday, bore no resemblance to our shiny new Continue reading

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Filed under Housing, News

UK astonished that the Daily Mail has been lying about Jeremy Corbyn

Next week we’re going with him personally sinking the Belgrano

Paul Dacre, who edits the Daily Mail and pretends to be a journalist, is trying to make up for all the lies he didn’t tell about Jeremy Corbyn in the 2017 election campaign.

“I’ve had to learn to forgive myself.” said a tearful Dacre “So many chances to commission a hatchet job so mendacious it would see a trainee hack kicked off any decent course.”

“If I’d thought he was going to popular with voters I’d have taken one or two more LSD tabs for inspiration Continue reading

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Filed under Media, News

Theresa May on tuition fees ‘We must find who’s to blame’

Hoping for divine inspiration on who to blame [use the mirror, Theresa]

The Prime Minister has called for whoever is to blame for eye-watering University tuition fees to be brought to book, named and shamed.

“Our tuition fees are amongst the highest in the world and someone must be responsible.” said a woman who voted through every single one of  the austerity measure of the idiot Continue reading

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UK shocked to learn that KFC contains any actual chicken

No warning that it might contain chicken

As deep-fried breadcrumb retailers KFC closed a number of shops, having run out of chicken, the UK public asked “Hold on, are you saying there’s chicken in KFC?”

Local vegetarian Pippa Delaney says she was shocked to find the popular fast-food snack might contain meat, as she has at times eaten KFC at Motorway service stops, whilst her electric car Continue reading

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Filed under Food

Trump slams mentally ill for not condemning ‘mentally ill’ gunman

“Psychopaths, we need to hear from you too.” says the President

Using his well-known medical superpowers, Donald Trump has diagnosed the perpetrator of the Parkland shooting as being white and thus mentally ill.

From there, the President swiftly moved on to criticise other mentally ill people for not appearing in front of a battery of hundreds of cameras, on nationwide TV, to condemn the slaughter “committed by one of their Continue reading

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Village chubber ‘shocked’ to find that cakes and crisps might be unhealthy

We all love a cake but maybe no more than two or three a day

A villager is shocked by finding that a diet of cake, crisps, and chicken nuggets, washed down with full-sugar cola, has been linked to an increased risk of cancer.

“I feel a bit let down, to be frank.” said William McKean, Harold’s fattest man and star of the documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. “I was happy to risk heart attack, stroke, diabetes, amputation, and breathlessness, but other than that I was pretty sure Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Health, News