What are you saying? These figures aren’t good news then?
Walking evidence that a man with a stash of secret photographs hidden in a safety deposit box can keep his job whatever he does, Jeremy Hunt, says record figures revealed in a new report prove his NHS reforms are on track.
“It’s taken me some time to pull things round but the figures don’t lie.” announced a smiling and relaxed Health Secretary.”No, I won’t stop. Get off, I’m the minister!” he shouted, shrugging off a group of officials who were trying to usher him away from the cameras.
“Right then. let’s get started” said Mr Hunt consulting a clipboard “Cancer targets? Up. Continue reading
Filed under Health, News, NHS
He’s even got his own little badge
Jeremy Hunt has vowed to bear down on NHS staff strongly enough so that 10,000 of them are admitted to psychiatric care by 2020. “That’s 10,000 more, on top of those already there”.
“More doctors, more nurses, and more health workers, all in the care of a strong and stable government. You know, that sounded rather Churchillian, don’t you think?”
“We’ll be using cognitive behavioural therapy” explained Hunt “Partly because doctors we’ve paid to say so say it’s effective, partly because CBT is easier to say than psychotherapy, but mostly because it’s cheap.”
“Then, when the
staff patients are feeling a bit more chipper Continue reading
Filed under Health, News, NHS
Compared to what I’ve planned, my previous cuts are tiny
The NHS will get bigger doses of the same medicine “but only if the public choose us again” said Jeremy Hunt, adding “What hasn’t killed you is obviously not yet strong enough.”
Speaking on the Andrew Marr Show this morning, Mr Hunt said that doctors, nurses, and support staff will only deliver first rate services if their hopes and dreams are further crushed, beneath the heel of an immensely wealthy man who doesn’t have to use them himself.
“It’s no use having a Health Secretary who depends on the NHS for his own healthcare” he said “Otherwise he might be swayed by issues of self-interest, such as being seen within 4 days when he turns up at A&E with a broken jaw, an axe in his head, or a rectally inserted junior doctors’ contract.”
“Might I interest you in some slightly out of date marmalade, Andrew?”
Filed under News, NHS, Politics
Scientists made the prosthetic hand more lifelike than the original
Harold scientists have developed a prosthetic hand with extraordinary grasping powers, inspired by the limbs of well-known yacht enthusiast, Sir Philip Green.
Dr Rachel Guest explains: “Our new device bypasses usual hindrances like common decency, by incorporating the so-called Green technology chip into a myoelectric hand.”
“Once it detects stored wealth, say pensioners’ life savings, the prosthetic limb can grasp everything not actually nailed down, then hide it in a Monaco bank account held in trust by the other hand.”
Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough
Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.
Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”
Anyone else hearing General Melchett? “Baaah”
The Met have questioned this month’s Ukip leader Paul Nuttall, after he issued threats to “hold the goverment’s feet to the fire”, during the official launch of Ukip’s election campaign.
“If enough people are stupid enough to vote for him” said Met Commissioner Cressida Dick “Mr Nuttall threatened some form of physical violence. Taking hold of another person’s feet without consent Continue reading
Moan, moan, moan, moan. Moan, moan, moan, moan.
Although Paul Nuttall will stand in the general election, he hasn’t chosen which unlucky people will have to endure weeks of his irritating, whining fantasy, before formally telling him to sling his hook in the early hours of 9th June.
Nuttall could stand in his home town of Bootle, where he practised losing in 2005 and 2010. Oh, and 2015. Bootle is not a million miles from Anfield however, so being the ‘local boy made good racist’ might be offset by having played the popular politicians’ sport of Hillsborough bandwagon jumping rather too enthusiastically.
The Ukip leader told LBC radio “I might stand in Xenophobia, that’s in Essex isn’t it? Wherever I choose, as the leader of the party I will be, obviously, leading the party into battle, as I did with 2 Para at Goose Green”. “I don’t really like to talk about it.” he added.
That’s cleared that up then.
New online site WikiTribune, dedicated to reporting only factually correct news, has closed down only days after its launch, due to the lack of any properly verified reports.
“The only story we had,” said founder Jimmy Wales, “was about a member of our own staff who had to take the day off after her goldfish died. But she couldn’t say for certain the age of the fish as she had won it in a raffle last week.”
We caught up with Mrs [name withheld], who confessed she made up the goldfish excuse to get the day off. Continue reading
That rabbit’s dynamite!
The world’s largest bunny rabbit which was found brutally beaten to death with hammers on a United Airlines flight had been ‘disruptive’, according to airline CEO Oscar Munoz.
In an internal email to staff, Munoz confirmed that the rabbit, a 3ft continental giant called Simon, had become ‘uncooperative’ after being denied lettuce.
Passengers on board the aircraft then posted harrowing scenes of the animal being dragged from its hutch by security, beaten with hammers and then boiled alive in front of screaming children.
“This is standard operating procedure, and I commend our staff for their actions,” insisted Munoz. “Especially the hammers thing.”
“Without going into details, the bunny in question had been asked several times to stop making that hungry grunting sound they do, and it declined to comply, on the grounds that it didn’t speak English or have a clue what the hell we were talking about.”
“In cases such as these, the use of hammers and the boiling thing are entirely justified by aviation laws.”
Critics have suggested that beating customers with hammers and then boiling them to death might not be the hallmark of a modern caring company, but United Airlines have pointed out “Fuck you”.
A moment of self doubt? No, just thinking about shoes
Ivanka Trump says her father is essentially a feminist, a keen supporter of women’s rights.
“I grew up in a house where there were no barriers to what I could accomplish as a billionaire’s daughter.”
Speaking without apparent irony on women’s entrepreneurship, Ms Trump said she stayed a whole year at her first job after school, before being lucky enough to land a post with the Trump Organization.
“You’ve got to make your own luck in business, because nobody’s going to hand you success on a plate.” Continue reading
He could be deployed at a press conference within 45 minutes
Tony Blair has been interviewed under caution on suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress to Radio 4 listeners who, over the weekend, heard him suggest he might return to front line politics.
“The Public OrderAct covers a wide range of anti-social behaviour.” said the Met’s new Commissioner, Cressida Dick. “True, the Act doesn’t actually specify what those behaviours are, however, I can’t think of anything more alarming than the threat of Blair gurning his way into our lives on radio and TV again, with his mock humility and those weird Continue reading
But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?
Labour’s new look Jeremy Corbyn is a steely-eyed man; he’s seen his share of trouble but takes no shit. From anyone.
In a departure from his previous gentle style, Corbyn challenged a shadow cabinet rebel today, in forthright terms. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six colleagues or only five?’ Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky? Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”
Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.
At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.
Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?
Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.
Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from Continue reading
Filed under idiots, News, TV
Kelvin MacKenzie, what’s not to like?
The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.
MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.
“You know, idiots or those who are both blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading
Filed under Liverpool, Media
Neil Hamilton is just as honest as he looks
Former Tory, liar and bankrupt, Neil Hamilton, has accused Mark Reckless of being untrustworthy, in the latest round of Abandon SinkingShip-gate.
The disgraced former MP, who left the Tories and is now UKIP leader in Wales, proving that the biggest turds float to the top, has criticised Reckless for leaving UKIP and aligning himself with the Tories.
Reckless had “betrayed the trust” of UKIP supporters said Hamilton, without a trace of irony, or even a knowing wink Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
“This reminds me of a story about Hitler”
Following widespread condemnation of its controversial new advert, Pepsi has bowed to pressure and replaced the ad with one featuring Ken Livingstone.
The cancelled ad featured Kendall Jenner at a protest, and offended many by suggesting that the problem of police brutality could be solved by attractive models waving cans of fizzy drink.
The video has been removed from YouTube and in a statement, the company said: “Pepsi was trying to project a global a message of unity, peace and understanding.”
“Clearly, we missed the mark, and that’s why we’re going to replace it with two minutes of Ken Livingstone talking about Hitler.”
“He’s going to imply that Germany’s Jews and Hitler were on the same side in the 30s, while sipping a refreshing ice-cold Pepsi Max.”
“You can’t get much more unity, peace and understanding than Ken Livingstone, and for payment all he wanted was a WWII German infantry helmet filled with newts.”
[Hold it in, you can do it … no use … too strong … aagh] “HITLER”
Ken Livingstone used the last hours before learning if banging on about Hitler and the Jews would lead to his expulsion from Labour, to bang on about Hitler.
Offered the chance to talk about Brexit, Arsene Wenger’s future at Arsenal, and the Cadburygate scandal, the loveable newt-botherer elected to keep on digging his way downwards, out of the hole in which he’d found himself. Continue reading