Tag Archives: satire

‘How on earth do people get so racist?’ despairs Nigel Farage

Heil me!

The racist former leader of the racist UKIP party who built an electoral base campaigning on how everyone should be racist has spoken out about the racist violence in Charlottesville, asking how it’s possible that people could be so racist.

“Cannot believe we’re seeing Nazi salutes in 21st century America”, tweeted Farage yesterday. “How is it possible that people in today’s society, threatened as they are by Muslim PEDO DEATH CULTS, could get so racist? #idespair”.

Critics have been quick to point out that he has dedicated his entire political career to encouraging popular racism for his own selfish political ends, and that Farage condemning racism is about as plausible as a penis condemning urine.

“Nonsense,” insisted Farage at a press conference today, his authority only slightly diminished by his choice of vintage SS uniform and fake Hitler moustache.

“No-one has done more than me to condemn racism. Some of my best friends are Black, Asian and Muslim. Well, Bob is. And he’s a bit smelly, to be honest. Anyway, Heil me.”

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Filed under Donald Trump, News

BBC apologises for athletics interrupting expert analysis

Intensive training means they can keep going for hours. No, really.

BBC Sport has expressed its ‘sincere regret’ that footage of athletes running, jumping, and throwing things has interrupted the droning, tedious wittering of Gabby Logan and her expert panel of assorted retired athletes.

“We are very sorry.” said Head of BBC Sport, Gary something-or-other “After a busy day at work there’s nothing better than flopping on the sofa and watching overpaid former sportsters spouting fatuous nonsense; like that kids’ party game where each child has to repeat absolutely everything the previous child said – Continue reading

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Filed under News, Sport

“Bag for Life” expectancies in UK takes sharp fall

I often buy £10 bags, so I’m not expecting much for 10P

After Tesco announced yesterday that they will only sell Bags for Life at checkouts, new figures released show a sharp drop in life expectancies in the UK for a bag for life.

Whilst other nations on the continent enjoy much longer bag for life times, poor diet choices and obesity are being blamed for the drop in UK levels.

“The data shows us that in the north of England, a bag for life has a longer expectancy then the south” says retail analyst Rob Brooks.

The Mail Online stated this morning that this is due to benefit cheats and immigrants Continue reading

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Filed under Shopping

“New UK grass snake” probably just Michael Gove on countryside holiday

“there’s still a brief window of opportunity”

Scientists were disappointed today to find that a snake in the grass, discovered in the UK, is most likely Michael Gove,  not a previously uncategorised reptile, despite some obvious similarities.

This means the total number of UK species remains at four; not including Boris Johnson.

Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest says it’s an easy mistake for colleagues to make “Both slither along the ground in an oily manner, both cause involuntary shudders of disgust; Continue reading

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Filed under News, science

Justin Gatlin thanks his lawyers and the drugs industry for his success

Attention deficit disorder means a worried Gatlin can’t remember where he left his stash

Men’s 100m World Champion Justin Gatlin has paid a touching tribute to professional weasels and to the pharmaceutical industry.

“Without those guys I wouldn’t be where I am today.” said Gatlin, his eyes bulging; a sentiment shared by 99% of spectators in the London Stadium, most of whom would rather have seen Pol Pot’s evil twin brother win the race.

He was first rumbled as a drugs hoover in 2001 but Continue reading

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Filed under Drugs, Sport

Daily Mail on Mo Farah: yeah, but he didn’t sing the National Anthem

Paul Dacre – “That medal should have been mine too and I’d have sung the National Anthem.”

With Mo Fara’s track career nearing its end, the Daily Mail has shrugged aside pretence and slagged-off the runner for not singing the National Anthem after winning world championship gold. Again.

“He’s as bad as f*&king Jeremy Corbyn!” screamed Editor Paul Dacre across the newsroom last night, before being sedated with a tranquiliser dart by the Mail’s anaesthetist. Again.

Some little known facts about the UK’s greatest athlete, as helpfully revealed in the Daily Mail.

It’s not widely known that Mo is short for Mohamed, which is a Muslim name.

He was born in Somalia, which is abroad, in Africa.

He has six world championship and four Olympic golds which might have been won by home-grown athletes.

“He was also given a knighthood, which should have gone to a newspaper editor. Sebastian bloody Coe got a peerage.” sobbed Mr Dacre in the recovery room.

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Filed under News, Sport

Puzzled Jeremy Hunt: asks suicide risk case Judge, “‘what are shame and embarrassment?”

“Shame? Nope, I’ve got no idea.”

Jeremy Hunt is baffled by a Judge’s criticism of NHS services, which included the unknown words ‘shame’ and ’embarrassment’.

“This is another example of an out of touch judiciary” said a clearly exasperated Health Secretary “using obscure words, which no one understands. I’ve asked all my colleagues and they don’t know their meaning either. Maybe he made them up, like me and NHS Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Law and Order, News, Politics

B&Q: garden sprinklers “will be back in stock by October”

Sprinklers definitely in stock by Christmas

The sprinkler aisle of the echoing barn you mooch around peering at tools, to avoid doing any actual DIY, will be fully stocked by October half-term.

“By Guy Fawkes night at the latest.” confirmed B&Q’s marketing director, Anna Jones today. “Probably. Definitely before you throw the hose into the shed for the winter.”

Jones says a fickle public is itself to blame for various shortages “Wellington boots? Hardly get looked at in July but by December, just after we’ve sent them back, it’s all ‘My allotment looks like the Somme, Continue reading

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Filed under News, Shopping

Jeremy Hunt clarification: “making Mental Health work more attractive to staff won’t involve me resigning.”

Come on back. Your old desk still has your tear stains on it

Sacrificial anode in human form, Jeremy Hunt says he won’t resign, even though surveys show it’s the best way to make NHS work more attractive to potential recruits.

“It’s largely due to me we’ve got so many vacancies in mental health, so why would I leave?” asked the hapless Health Secretary, who genuinely has no self awareness; ironically making him an ideal subject for teaching trainee psychologists about sociopathy, if only Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News, NHS

Brexiters advised to hold referendum if unhappy with Brexit talks outcome

Look, the answer is as plain as this £350m gold brick I’m holding

Brexiters wanting a skydiver-without-parachute EU exit have been reminded that a referendum might be the answer.

Remainer Jason Beesley from Harold says he “feels the pain” of hard Brexiters and suggests an advisory, binary, Yes/No poll might clarify what the UK public wants.

“That’s a rubbish idea.” said Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics, referendum

Man planning hard divorce hires chainsaw to split the assets

David Davis photographed when he found out he’ll still have to pay the debts

A Dunstable man going through a divorce has hired a chainsaw with which to split the family assets and he’ll start with the house itself.

“It’s got a wooden frame so it should be quite easy, as long as I don’t hit any nails” said David Davis “I assume that’s what she meant by ‘sparks are going to fly’, when I told her about it.”

Davis won’t consider a soft divorce, where everything is discussed beforehand. “I want to crash out of the marriage without any agreement, so I’ve insulted my wife and her lawyers as much as I can. My mate Boris told me that’s the best way to get what you want – which in my case is Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, idiots, News

Battle of Britain Flight Lancaster shot down in paintball accident

The RAF’s only Lancaster bomber has been ‘shot down’ by a Messerschmidt 109 fighter in a freak air-show accident in Harold.

The Lancaster, PA474, never saw combat although it’s been flogged round the country for years, taking credit for a victory in which it had no part; like an aeronautical John Terry. Continue reading

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Filed under Nostalgia

“Just stop it! Abusing hospital staff is my job” says Jeremy Hunt

“Threatening doctors and nurses is my job”

Jeremy Hunt insists the task of threatening Great Ormond Street Hospital staff is his and his alone, warning “amateurs” protesting over little Charlie Gard’s care to leave it to trained professionals, like him.

“I studied for years before taking on the role of abusing NHS staff” argues Hunt, who accepts this didn’t involve studying healthcare. “And I always have to keep my knowledge up to date, with frequent private healthcare briefings and Continue reading

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Filed under Health, NHS

OJ Simpson hopes to resume his career in murdering

“I can do a discount for two, if that helps.”

“I’m much too old for football” said OJ Simpson today “and with no more Naked Gun movies planned, I’m going back to something I’m really good at – killing folks.”

The terms of Simpson’s parole mean he has to find gainful employment, so the former sportsman and actor plans to resume taking other people’s lives.

“Obviously I can’t do more armed robberies, that’s why was in the slammer in the first place” said the actor twice nominated for the most wooden delivery  “but I’ve never been convicted of murder so that’s not off-limits.”

Simpson says the big adjustment for him now will be killing for money, rather than revenge, but others disagree with that assessment.

“I’ve seen his film work” said Harold’s own former Bond girl, Emilie Bourdain. “It may seem astonishing but he got paid for that shit and he’s certainly murdered a few scripts in his time.”

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Filed under Crime, News

New Star Wars movie to feature first male Wookiee

We would.

Producers of the upcoming Star Wars film have shocked moviegoers with the news that, unlike in all the previous episodes, the next generation of the Wookiee character in The Last Jedi will be male.

Some have seen this as a brave move, given that the iconic “Chewie” character was, of course, a girl, with the typical female Wookiee’s menacing grunt, but many fans are disappointed that the producers have changed what was seen as a well-established tradition.

“I’m not sexist, but this is just inverse political correctness gone mad,” complained one fan. “Everyone knows Chewie was a girl. And good-looking. Er, for a Wookiee.”

“Well that’s my childhood ruined,” complained another fan. “Nowhere in the original movies does it say anywhere that Wookiees can be male. Some things you don’t mess with.”

“What next, a male R2-D2?”

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Filed under News, Space, TV

May welcomes reduction in JAMs & increase in No Longer Managings

almost as if they don’t understand what’s really going on

The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.

“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.

“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Jailed for menacing messages about Gina Miller and for being a prick

In due course, no doubt Rhodri will begin to feel a prick

In a landmark judgement, “Lord St Davids”, Rhodri Colwyn Philipps has been jailed for being a prick.

Philipps had been found guilty of being a prick at an earlier hearing, when he refused to stand up in court until being addressed as Lord St Davids.

Sentence had been adjourned until his trial on charges of sending menacing messages. He was duly convicted on Monday but generously allowed to go home and pack his tooth brush, pyjamas and Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order

May shocked by GE result. “Activists I spoke to all promised to vote Tory”

As Mrs May prepares to emote, an aide slices an onion, just off-camera

Theresa May says she’d been shocked by the general election result, as the activists, funders, and Daily Mail journalists she’d focussed her energies upon for the previous seven weeks all promised to vote Tory.

Glowing, uncritical, daily editorials and headlines such as “Mayggy, mayggie, mayggie! In in in!”, “Boot the scrufy marxist into touch!”, and “Should evil Corbyn be tried as a traitor?” Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017, Politics

As tagging scheme proves as useless as him, Chris Grayling “still certain” he must have done something right at MoJ

insists not every single bloody decision he made was a complete disaster.

The f%cknugget against whom every other f%cknugget is measured, the gold standard f%cknugget Chris Grayling, is sure he did something right as Justice Minister.

 

“To give you a clue about his competence,” said a weary MoJ insider “when Michael Gove took over here and reversed many of Chris’ decisions, he seemed like Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, News, Politics, Technology

Viscount says calling Gina Miller ‘a boat jumping immigrant’ was complimenting her athletic prowess

Nasty but dim: 4th Viscount St Davids. Fulfilling the stereotype

Lord St Davids has wearily explained to a court that offering five grand to have Gina Miller run over shouldn’t be seen as him offering five grand to have her run over after pleading not guilty to charges of making malicious communications and being a prick.

“Gina Miller, mmm… strapping girl. Full of admiration for her ability to jump over boats. It’s in their genes, you know. Offering £5000 to have her run over was a bit of a jape. She could jump my bon.. jump over cars easily.”

The Viscount posted on facebook “£5,000 for the first person to ‘accidentally’ run over this bloody troublesome first generation immigrant” but says this should be seen in the light of his financial position.

“I’m broke. Well” he chuckled “that’s what I told my creditors last year, before ‘accidentally’ becoming bankrupt again,  Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order, News