‘Everyone needs someone to look up to – for me it’s me’
Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks if David Davis’ team was more upbeat they’d be more successful, in the same way that Kyle Edmund would have beaten Marin Čilić in straight sets if he’d just been a bit more positive. “That’s how things work”, he said.
Embodiment of all that’s wrong with inherited wealth, MP Rees-Mogg did nothing else but shuffle cash around, before landing a plum Tory seat but now likes to spend his time counting his private income and telling everyone else what they should think, Continue reading
Henry Bolton in happier times
Henry Bolton is refusing to desert UKIP, the party he has loved ever since joining it the Thursday before last even though many believe it is ‘going down for the third time’.
“It would be a dereliction of my duty to stand down now, just at the point when the party is riven with dreadful factional in-fighting.” he explained to our reporter this afternoon, adding “Of course, I might reconsider my position once the current leadership crisis is over but Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Looks like the chap next door on his way to court but apparently not
A bloke you’ve never heard of has resigned from UKIP, after gradually realising that past, current, and potential party leaders are a bunch of infighting homophobes and racists.
Jonathan Arnott (that’s him) is apparently MEP for the North East of England and says UKIP “shifted” its stance on religious and cultural issues.
“It was a great shock to me, as you might imagine.” said Arnott. “There was nothing in the party’s history which gave a hint of the festering hatred and bile, lurking far below the surface. OK, perhaps Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
“Wow, look at the size of that tit”
The right wing social commentator and odious arse, Toby Young, has been resigned from his position on the university regulator, the Office for Students.
“If we are to stand up as the Conservative party for what is right,” he told the BBC, casting himself in the role of a noble man nobly falling on his sword, “we also have to accept when we have made a mistake.”
He then set his pudgy jaw, gazed into the middle distance and checked with John Humphrys about his pose. “Have you got my best profile” Continue reading
Filed under Education, Media
Obviously no spare rooms here.
Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.
“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”
“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”
“You can tell she wants it.” the Prince told himself
Teachers at Harold’s St Mary’s primary school are planning an overhaul of the curriculum following claims by a professor at Osaka University that fairytale princes in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty are sex offenders.
“You might look at Sleeping Beauty and see a chaste, curse-breaking kiss, but apparently what’s going on is a quasi-compulsive obscene sexual act on an unconscious partner” said Headteacher Alison Lee. “We can’t be explaining that sort of thing to our Reception class, I can’t even spell Continue reading
Astonishingly, Grayling really is as daft and as honest as he looks
Transport Secretary Chris Grayling says commuters unhappy with rail price hikes should consider buying a second home on expenses.
“When rail fares went up, you didn’t see me moaning. No, I did the sensible thing and got the public to buy me another house. Quite why passengers can’t do the same is beyond me, are they all Corbyn Continue reading
Filed under News, Transport
Imagine being stuck in a lift with this prick – at Christmas
Despite tosh spouted by idiots, losing a loved one to cancer, being made redundant, or finding oneself stuck in a lift with Piers Morgan aren’t made worse by the event’s proximity to 25th December, research has found.
“Any of those is a bugger” agreed project lead Dr Rachel Guest “though Morgan would be especially unwelcome, particularly in the run up to … no forget that”.
Guest found other evidence-free folk beliefs were common amongst those surveyed.
“One man’s mum had died the day before and he insisted ‘there’s a new star in the firmament today’ whilst pointing at Eridanus-Capricon vii, a massive ball Continue reading
Filed under Christmas, News
Dossett box empty, Dacre on one of his ‘calmer’ days
The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.
“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for banning public schools, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.
“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services, which was ironic as we’d just made up a story about all social workers being Continue reading
Couldn’t Glenn Close have played the part just as well? Or Bette Midler.
The UK premiere of The Darkest Hour, the latest biopic of Winston Churchill, brings with it fresh calls for a woman to play the part of the legendary British wartime leader.
“Gary Oldman is certainly a great actor” says Evening Harold film critic, Mariella Buss-Stop “but you can’t escape the fact that he’s still another middle-aged white man. And how they let him onto Air Force One Continue reading
Captured on camera, Duckett shamelessly ‘playing cricket’
England’s pub brawlers are facing another crisis, as yet another member of the squad has been suspended, pending an inquiry into an alleged incident of cricketing.
Earlier in the troubled tour, Jonny Bairstow was accused of ‘wicket-keeping’ when he should have been head-butting one of the Australian team. However, even before the team left the UK England’s talismanic all-rounder Ben Stokes, was captured by security cameras, playing French-cricket in Continue reading
… time to get onto thrashing out terms of UK’s final surrender.
Following a frantic last 48 hours of shuttle-diplomacy, Theresa May has finally managed to concede to almost all of the EU negotiators’ demands.
“It wasn’t easy and at any moment there was a danger I might not give in.” explained an obviously tired Prime Minister “Of course I could have agreed these terms months ago but I’m no pushover, so I held out to the last minute before caving Continue reading
They’re probably just playing games for fun
Donald Trump says recognising Jerusalem as Israel’s capital has gone very well. “It’s all gone very well” he said today.
“Some folks said there’d be riots, all that sort of thing but nothing’s happening out there, I know that for sure, and everything’s gone very well.”
Right wing US Christian fundamentalists have welcomed the move from their almost-beyond-satirising Continue reading
his laptop crashed and the dog ate it anyway
David Davis told the EU select committee this morning that he’d ‘completely forgot’ to do his EU homework which was set for him 15 months ago.
Last week Mr Davis handed in a huge set of papers with lots of crossings out, explaining that it was the homework but that Boris Johnson had scribbled on it.
The week before that he said his laptop had crashed and the electricity cut off at home, so he couldn’t have done it “and the dog had eaten it Continue reading
Four more years of Donald Trump suddenly doesn’t seem so bad
An intelligent, articulate American woman has had her first real taste of the numbing void inhabited by the Daily Mail and its readers.
Some newspapers considered weighty matters this last week, such as economic implications of Brexit for the car industry.
Mail readers however, were invited to assess the merits of a woman they’ll never meet, based on grainy school photos and half-remembered or fully-invented anecdotes of Continue reading
I know what you’re doing under your desk. Just stop it.
Theresa May says there’s no story behind the mass resignation of the only team within government that has even a pretence of caring.
“Rather than criticising imperceptible progress toward a fairer society,” said Mrs May “why not just replay YouTube clips of my first speech as PM, when I vowed to tackle social injustice and inequality. ‘Where there is hope may we bring … no, not that. Err Continue reading
Would you trust this man? Our money is on Jeremy Hunt
Some daft idiot, who says he’s ‘head of NHS England’ or something like that, has only gone and banged on again about a so-called funding crisis.
Not content with threatening longer waiting lists if Her Majesty’s Chancellor didn’t provide enough cash in the Budget, this clown Simon Stevens then has the brass neck to Continue reading