Tag Archives: satire

Plans to cut NHS bed-blocking by increasing death-rate ‘a bit behind schedule’ admits Hunt

jeremyhunt2

“Just a few cold snaps and they’ll be dropping like flies. Fingers crossed.”

Jeremy Hunt admits the mild winter has played havoc with his planned cash-flow patient-throughput.

“We can usually count on a couple of cold snaps by early January, and for the past few years, the Iain Duncan Smith effect,” said the failed marmalade salesman “which clears a lot of the deadwood out of the system. Plus, it frees up housing stock, most of it quite shabby. Which is good for Wickes, B&Q and DIY SOS.”

“Anyway, it’s what I like to call win-win. Like winning a general election, followed by Jeremy Corbyn winning the Labour leadership election. Which seems to be how I manage to get away with this. I still have to pinch myself from time to time, but it’s true. Amazing isn’t it?”

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Filed under Health, News

DWP on MS woman’s lost benefits “if she could squeeze a thumb, why not a trigger & work as a killer?”

damiangreen

The name’s Green, Damian Green: licenced to harass

Outraged DWP assessors found that Mel Wiseman, a woman with MS, had rejected work as an internationaal assassin, despite being able to grip someone’s thumb.

“She was assessed last year as a malingerer, who might have taken any number of jobs.” said Damian Green, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

“Scalextric test driver, banana ripeness officer or, with her specialist Continue reading

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Filed under DWP, News, Politics

Rolf Harris only musician to agree to play at Trump Inauguration

trump harris

Two little toys out of shot

Relieved Republican Party officials have finally persuaded a musician to perform at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration – the well-loved Australian chart-topper Rolf Harris.

GOP insiders had been increasingly nervous that no top-ranking stars would agree to take part, after angry refusals from everyone who’s been on television in the last 70 years.

Absolutely everyone famous you’ve ever heard of respectfully declined their invitation to attend the ceremony, explaining that they had a sore throat, scheduling difficulties, and they thought Trump was an asshole.

Fortunately, the terms of Rolf’s open prison meant he was able to step in at short notice, ensuring Trump’s supporters would get the kind of entertainment they deserve.

It is believed that the star will be performing a set packed with favourites, including Two Little Boys, Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport, and I’m Jake the Peg (Grab them by the Pussy).

There have of course been concerns that associating with such an unpleasant character might be bad publicity, but Rolf is said to be fairly relaxed about this, provided Trump doesn’t get too close.

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Filed under Children, music, Politics

Man thinks his colleagues are genuinely interested in his plans for Christmas

bored3

“Don’t bother minuting this, love.”

A man clearly believes his colleagues really want to know his Chistmas plans, after a casual question yesterday led him to give ten minutes of PowerPoint guff about it in today’s staff meeting.

Harold Tesco Express manager, Paul Watts says “my guys” were fascinated that his in-laws will arrive late Christmas Eve and stay until Tuesday, although  Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Grayling: “Knocking over a cyclist is a metaphor for my political credo.”

chris-grayling-cyclist

Now f**k off and keep your mouth shut

Chris Grayling, compared to whom even his awful predecessor Norman Tebbit seems benign, says flattening a cyclist, as videod by another cyclist, is a metaphor for his wider political beliefs.

“The most vulnerable in society always deserve special attention.” said Grayling, cracking his knuckles “So, as soon as an arsehole on a bike drew alongside my Limo in a traffic jam, whallop, I doored him. Continue reading

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by | December 16, 2016 · 3:27 pm

Christians oppose 3-parent IVF babies: “three persons in one is just wrong.”

baby

“This is just wrong!”

Christians in the UK have slammed new IVF rules, which permit babies being made from three people. “It’s not right is it, whoever heard of three identities existing in one person? ” asked Andy, Curate at St Pauls in Harold, adjusting his spectacles.

“Anyway, we shouldn’t tamper with nature in this way.”he said, whilst turning up his hearing aid, adding Continue reading

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Filed under Families, News, science

Emily Thornberry: “Monkey pilots, flying space-buggies, must go to Syria”

emily-thornberry

“Ooh, look. The Tooth Fairy!”

Emily Thornberry has followed her calls for UK cargo drone and gps-guided parachute deployment in Syria, with a plea for “the RAF’s squadrons of monkey-driven space-buggies to be used in the cause of peace”.

“We should look at all options,” she says “including impossibilities and those based on imaginary resources.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Britain First even fails to become a banned organisation

britaynfirts

It’s a telephone Paul. Just say “Hello, this is Paul.”

Morons-on-a-mission, Britain First are seemingly so useless they’ve even failed to come to the attention of Amber Rudd and get themselves banned.

The knuckle-dragging f**kwit ‘party’ has been asking for funds for some days, on the premise they were about to be banned and needed cash for their legal appeal. With Poppy Season over, Biffer Central is on the lookout for alternative scams, Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

Dominic Raab literally disappears up his own a*se, live on TV

supreme-court

Domini Raab outside the Supreme Court. Oh, too late

Fingernails down a blackboard in human form, people’s democratic champion Dominic Raab shocked viewers this morning, by vanishing up his own a*se during a live TV interview.

Raab, who comes second only to Michael Gove as the Tory MP you’d most like to punch, was on BBC TV News this morning, wittering on about Brexit; his only interest, apart from The Life and Times of Dominic Raab.

Standing on the street outside the Supreme Court (only Pinewood’s James Bond set can now accommodate his massive head), Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

ADVERTISEMENT: Wealthy former MP seeks position near Richmond

zac

Are we related? Do you own a magazine? I could be your man

Unexpectedly back on the market, due to circumstances entirely within my control.

Have own ego, sense of entitlement, and a willingnes to travel as far as Kingston upon Thames if necessary, for the right post.

Have own dog-whistle and recent experience of high profile dog-whistling. Might suit right-wing political campaigning group, looking to increase its media coverage by employing a photogenic, eccentric, multi-millionaire, with lovely eyes but some sincererity issues.

Have experience of editing rich uncle’s magazine. So, if we’re related by birth, marriage or a close proximity on the Sunday Times rich-list, and you own a magazine, please Continue reading

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Filed under Employment, News, Politics

Counterfeit booze ‘could make you dizzy and act like an idiot’

“…the ever-popular loss of inhibitions…”

Harold Council has warned shoppers to beware of fake Vodka, which can seriously damage health.

“This so-called ‘Vodka’ contains chemicals of some sort, which affect the decision-making frontal lobe of the brain,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson.

“Short-term effects include loss of inhibitions, dizziness, nausea, coma and even death. Also, it has a ‘metallic’ after-taste if you get stuck into a second bottle. So I’m told.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Health, idiots, News

Personal debt: Mark Carney warns public not to spend Brexit Bus £millions

mark-carneyhmm

Carney struggles to make himself clear to morons

Mark Carney has warned the UK to curb it’s credit card use, because any Brexit windfall will go to the Treasury, not direct to morons.

Borderline simpleton and pub bore, Alec Fairchild, dismissed Carney’s fears, however. “I’d rather take Boris Johnson’s word over that of a Canadian immigrant.”

“And don’t get me started again about the ‘£350 million for the NHS’ on the side of a bus.” he insisted “Us leavers aren’t stupid. We all knew that wasn’t true and Boris has admitted it. But, if the £350 million isn’t going to the NHS … it must be going somewhere else.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, idiots, News

Government may consider radical “brief-case technology” for carrying sensitive documents

downingstreetpapers

Most of them have doodles of Gove on a gallows on the cover

Another secret document has been photograhed being carried along Downing Street. “To be honest, this one’s got us stumped.” said a senior official “Short of putting papers in our pockets, we’re powerless.”

Now though, Harold inventor Dr Rachel Guest has come up with a novel solution which she hopes will be considered by Ministers.

“Desperate times, desperate measures.” says Dr Guest, who’s worked on the problem for two years. “Theresa May says it’s foolish to reveal her strategy to EU negotiators, but that approach could be undermined if any of them have a camera and know how to get to Downing Street.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

UKIP members shocked to find Paul Nuttall is a scouser

nuttall

“this chap sounds like a footballer”

Thousands of horrified UKIP members only found out today, as they listened to Paul Nuttall gave his acceptance speech, that they’d voted for a scouser.

“My god, I thought he’d be another Nigel.” said Alec Fairchild, a UKIP member and pub bore from Harold. “Well-off, private school, a commodity broker in the city. But this chap sounded like a football player; or someone in a Channel 5 documentary about benefit cheats.”

“We’d already had a filly, for a couple of weeks,” explained Fairchild, warming to his task, Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

RAF parcel bombing will deliver “authentic Black Friday experience”

lancaster

“Sorry you were out”

The RAF will be delivering all Harold’s on-line Black Friday orders in just one big drop on Monday morning; from 10,000 feet.

Villagers wanting the full Black Friday experience, but too lazy to go all the way to the metropolis that is Dunstable, will still get one by packing into Harold Thursday’s 5-a-side pitch like sardines, and then having a shower of broken tat dropped on their heads.

“We’d hoped to get low level runs along the River Gluggle by the Battle of Britain Memorial flight.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Autumn Statement build-up “ruined” by reporter standing outside No.10 Downing Street

giles-dilnot

Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!

The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.

Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.

“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Economy, News, Politics

Blair to take political centre-ground: will probably bomb it

Sociopathe will be especially welcome

“a face built for a wicker man”

Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.

The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.

We’re not making this shit up,  Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Tony Blair, War

Russia credits “clear air superiority over hospitals” for recent victories

su34

Hospital porters are no match for this puppy

Sergey Lavrov says Russia now has the upper hand in its fight against international aid workers in Aleppo.

“Frankly, Médecins Sans Frontières just didn’t turn up for the last one – it’s as if they know their un-sterilised scalpels are no match for our Su-34 strike aircraft.”

They’re ‘big men’ in their fancy operating theatres but not so high and mighty when 327 Squadron with Hospital-Buster ordnance turns that cosy scene into a theatre of war. Hah, pussies!” Continue reading

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Filed under News, War

Farron denies dozing at the controls

farron_t

Farron briefly wakes up, half way through one of his own speeches

Footage appearing to show a politician nodding off at the controls of a political party is being “urgently investigated”.

The clip, apparently captured on a mobile phone in November, was sent to the Sun ‘newspaper’. It had been recorded about eighteen months from the derailment of his predecessor’s career.

In the 30-second clip, the leader – who is not the other dozy one who was involved in the last electoral disaster – appears to drift in and out of sleep as his party trundles along towards total destruction.

He is seen apparently struggling to remain upright, and members of the public can be heard expressing shock, or asking ‘who the hell is that?’ as the party approaches the awful possibility of a snap 2017 election.

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Filed under News, Politics

‘Fucknugget’ declared word of the year in honour of Brexit and Trump voters

oxford_english_dictionary

It comes just after “f*ck”

Oxford Dictionaries have declared ‘fucknugget’ as its 2016 international word of the year, reflecting what it called a year of “unbelievable levels of fucknuggetry”.

The word is described as an adjective relating to people unable to comprehend even the most basic of obvious consequences, despite regular warnings being explained very slowly to them, or written in large letters, in crayon.

Continue reading

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Filed under idiots, News