Despite the imposition of sanctions on his closest allies, it appears that German leader, Adolf Hitler remains resolute in his insistence that “The Poles had been asking for it for years and now that they had been invaded it was no use squealing and asking for help from a bunch of lily livered do gooders.”
The West’s reaction to the invasion has been powerful. Leaders have condemned the actions in the “strongest terms” and there is talk of ramping up their opposition by not going to the tea party that the Fuhrer had been planning to host, taking their knitting circle to dear dependable Mrs Belgium’s instead.
Ukraine ‘never got letter from Gazprom about price increase’.
Ukraine has left angry messages on several utility comparison websites, complaining that the boxes for entering annual kilowatt hours for gas consumption are far too small.
“It was bad enough having to convert 55 billion cubic metres into kilowatt hours,” said Ukraine’s Energy Minister Yuriy Prodan, “then really annoying to find the box was too small for all the zeros.”
Uswitch and moneysupermarket.com have both replied to Ukraine, saying they are sorry the size of the boxes did not meet the customer’s expectations. “On the other hand,” said a spokesman for uSwitch, “we did point out that where it says ‘domestic usage’, the box is for a single household, not an entire sovereign nation recognised by international law.”
Meanwhile soldiers from Blah march off to engage their enemy in the Democratic Republic of No One Gives A Toss
The media today remains transfixed by the crisis in the Ukraine as the prospect of white people going to war with each other is given blanket 24/7 coverage. James Harding, Director of News and Current Affairs at the BBC denied that race was an issue.
“The reason the BBC is giving so much coverage to Ukraine while conflicts in other parts of the world particularly Africa go virtually unreported has nothing to do with skin colour,” he said. “This is about sex appeal not race.” Continue reading
St Mary’s Primary School ski jump as seen from Harold’s recreation ground. On a clear day if you stand at the top you can just make out Dunstable’s dreaming spires.
Villagers in Harold are getting increasingly angry over the ski jump that was forced upon the local primary school. Denounced as an eyesore it was built despite strong local protest in what some are calling an exceptionally heavy-handed grass roots campaign to get more children competing in winter sports. Continue reading
In his latest attempt to further undermine the west, Vladimir Putin has accused a British man of storing and using ‘chemical weapons’. The charge is laid at the door of television advert personality, and cleaning enthusiast Barry Scott.
The Russian leader alleges Cillit Bang products have a cleaning power that is only matched by sarin and other nerve agents. However the suggestion that ‘Lime and Grime’ can be used for kitchen, bathroom and ethnic cleansing have been strongly denied by Mr Scott.
Russian athlete, Yelena Isinbayeva, has created more controversy at the World Championships claiming that the assassination of state enemies on foreign soil is just part of Russian culture, and the rest of the world should just accept it.
“The use of polonium-2-10 to administer radiation directly into a person via a hot drink is just the way we deal with things in Russia” Ms Isinbayeva tols reporters. “If the person happens to be in another country, then so be it, but our traditions should be respected.”