Russell Brand: believes he can cure scrofula by touch
With hours to go until her christening Buckingham Palace has announced that Russell Brand will be Princess Charlotte’s godfather.
“I’m doing this out of pity for someone trapped in a bubble of privilege with no idea how ordinary people live,” said the princess. “I thought it would be a nice gesture. Plus we have something in common in that I don’t even superficially understand the world and just talk gibberish too.” Continue reading
He’s got 9.5 million followers on Twitter, you know…oh, wait, we’re getting confused.
Following yesterday’s snuggle-up between Ed Miliband and Russell Brand, Nigel Farage has met with a celebrity more in tune with Ukip’s policies and had a sit down with Alf Garnett.
“Alf is a wonderful man,” Farage told reporters after their meeting. “He’s of good white working-class stock and a true patriot. He told me that he understands what Ukip is trying to do and supports us whole-heartedly.” Continue reading
Hunter S Thompson briefly returned from the dead and shot at Brand, for suggesting entertainers shouldn’t stand for office.
The popular orgy show ‘Question Time’ has broken new rules on pornography, after filming two tumescent penises having ‘a go at each other’.
New rules forbid punishment and pain being enacted, rules specifically designed to prevent Nigel Farage or Russell Brand appearing on our screens.
“I don’t really got no policies as it ‘appens, but what’s important is to be all appealing to the youngun’s an’ that. I’ll keep talkin’ if you don’t take too offense to it, mind yer pardon. But I do so love the timbre of me voice”, said Farage.
Window 24 portrays the first coming, with a prostitute given by his father.
Russell Brand has revealed that every single window of his advent calendar has been blessed with his own presence.
“And that’s one Christmas presence no-one would turn their nose up at”, beamed Brand. “‘Cos I’m chirpy, aint I? And that’s right Christmassy.”
Brand, the brains behind the Russell Brand-brand advent calendar, told us how he came up with the idea.
“Well, it was either me, or someone traditionally Christmas, like the lord baby Jesus”, he said.
“I definitely came up with this first” insisted Brand.
Russell Brand has started legal action against legendary author Alan Moore, claiming he stole his face for an iconic Guy Fawkes mask.
Brand, 444, revealed he was the inspiration for graphic novel ‘V for Vendetta’, despite Moore never meeting him or caring if he was dead or alive.
“What it is, right, is a ponderous liberty with me visage”, said Brand. “I’ve been contriving for a fulmination of parliament from the first day I was on drugs. Parklife.”
Defence lawyers for Moore pointed out that he didn’t ‘draw a bloody thing’, but simply wrote the story for David Loyd to illustrate. “Aye, but the flocculent visionary was thinking of me when he wroted it, dint ‘e? Parklife”, insisted Brand.
The Father, Son, and Holy Toast
Consumer concern about the possible health effects of eating toast containing images of Jesus has led to some bread companies introducing a ‘Jesus-free’ option.
Jesus-free proponents say that traditional toast contains significant amounts of images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary and this can dull the capacity for individual thought and leave people reliant on fairy stories and miracles. It also leaves a stodgy, bloated feeling in the stomach and causes wind.
“I’ve felt much more energetic and alive since moving to Jesus-free toast” observed Harold café owner Pippa Delaney. “I wake up earlier, I have the energy for a decent walk, and I’ve stopped giving ten percent of my money to the Church.”
Peter Pan complex: is Brand the sixth form debater who never grew up?
There was shock for Russell Brand’s acolytes yesterday when it turned out that he is not the nation’s moral leader and holds no official position in either government or the church.
“I thought he was like boss of everything,” said Harold resident and long-term Brand follower Sean Pavey. “Because he gets blanket press coverage and goes on Newsnight giving it the big I am, I assumed he was important.” Continue reading